812 
R511f 
c 0 p , 2 I 


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Latest  Date  stamped  below. 

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UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS  LIBRARY  AT  URBANA-CHAMPAIGN 


DEC  7 


L161  — 0-1096 


FRENCH’S  STANDARD  DRAMA 


Clie  SIcUus  1;  aft  10  II. 
No.  CCXV. 


FASHION; 

Oil, 

L I F E I N NEW  YORK. 


Comtbu,  in  ^ibc  gitts. 

BY  ANNA  CORA  M 0 W A T T.  /" 


TO  WHICH  ARK  AHDKH 

A di'-'orlpHttn  of  tho  Ooxtiimo  — of  tlio  ( 'icuvif’.fcfN  — Kof r inro^  j\n<]  KxitB  — ' 
Iveliiiivtt  I’oHHRntit  of  lli«  IVrfoniieri^  on  tlie  aiul  tbi;  xvhoiu  of  the 

IStagx:  Buiiinuss. 


NEW  YORK: 

S A 'SI  U E L F li  E N C H, 

122  Nassad  Stbkbt,  (Up  Staibs.) 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS 
AT  UR8ANA-CHAMPA1GM 


ENTERED  ACCORDING  TO  ACT  OF  CONGRESS.  IN  THE 
YEAR  1849.  BY  JAMES  MOWATT, 

In  the  derive  Office  cf  the  District  Court  (\f  the  Southern  Districi 
q/  New  York, 


Notice. 

Managers  in  the  United  States  are  informed  that  the  riglit  to 
verform  this  Play  is  private  property,  and  the  Play  cannot  be  per  - 
formed  without  the  express  written  consent  of  J.  Mowatt. 


I 

\ 

' COtUt 

' ' DRAMATIS  PEBSONifi. 

jfs  produced  at  the  Royal  Olympic  Theatre^  January  9,  1850,  under  the  direction 
' of  Mr.  Qeorpte  ElliSy  Stage  Manager. 

Apam  Trueman,  a Farmer  from  Cnttcraugus. 

Count  Jolimaitrk,  a fashionaJde  European  Importation, 

Colonel  Howard,  an  Officer  in  the  U.  S.  Armj. 

]\Ir.  Tiffany,  a New  York  Merchant. 

T.  Tennyson  Twinkle,  a Modern  Poet. 

Augustus  Fooo,  a Drawing  Room  Appendage, 

Sn ORSON,  a rare  species  of  Confidential  Clerk. 

Zeke,  a colored  Servant. 

!Mrs.  Tiffany,  a Ijidg  who  imagines  herself  fashionable, 

3.^rudence,  a Maiden  Lady  of  a certain  age. 

Millinette,  a French  Ladfs  Maid, 

Gertrude,  a Governess. 

SsRAPHiNA  Tiffany",  a Belle. 


I 


f 

H.  means  Right  { L.,  Left ; R.  1 E.,  Right  First  Entrance  ; 3 E.,  Suond 
Entrance ; D.  F.,  Door  in  the  Flat. 

j * 

' RELATIVE  POSITIONS. 

H.  means  Right ; L.,  Left  t C.,  Centre  ,*  R.  C.,  Right  of  Centre  i L.  C.,  J^/t 
''ff  Centre, 

^ The  reader  is  supposed  to  be  on  the  Stage  facing  the  Audience. 


Ladies  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Ball  Room. 

CAST  OF  CHABACTEKS. 

Adam  Trueman Mr.  Davenport. 

Count  Jolimaitre — A.  Wigan. 

Colonel  Howard — Belton. 

Mr.  Tiffany — J.  Johnstone. 

Tm’inkle — Kinloch. 

Togo — J.  Howard. 

Snobson — II.  Scharf. 

Zeke — J.  Herbert. 

Mrs.  Tiffany Mrs.  II.  Marston. 

Prudence — Parker. 

Millinette — A.  Wigan. 

Gertrude Miss  F.  Vining. 

Serapuina  — Gougenheim. 


EXITS  AND  ENTRANCES. 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2017  with  funding  from 

University  of  Illinois  Urbana-Champaign  Alternates 


https://archive.org/details/fashionorlifeinn00ritc_0 


COSTUMES. 


ADAM  TRUE^^A^^ — First  Dress:  A fanner’s  rough  overrrat,  roarse  blue 
trousers,  heavy  hoots,  hroad-hrimined  hat,  dark  cohnircd  nerkerchief,  stout 
walking  stick,  large  bandanna  tied  loosely  around  his  neck. — Second  dress  : 
Park  grey  old-fashioned  coat,  black  and  yellow  waistcoat,  trousers  as  be- 
fore.— Third  dress:  Illack  old-fashioned  dress  coat,  black  trousers,  white 
vest,  white  cravat. 

COUNT  JOLIMAITRE. — First  dress:  Dark  frock  coat,  light  blue  trousers, 
patent  leather  boots,  gay  coloured  vest  and  scarf,  profusion  of  jewellery, 
light  overcoat.— Second  dross  : Full  evening  dress  last  scene,  travelling  cap 
and  cloak. 

MR.  TIFFANY.— First  dress:  Dark  coat,  vest,  and  trousers.— Second  dress: 
Full  evening  dress. 

MR.  TWINKLE.— First  dress:  Green  frock  coat,  white  vest  and  trousers,  green 
and  white  scarf.— Second  dress  : Full  evening  dress. 

MR.  FOGG.— First  dress  : Entire  black  suit,— Second  dress  : Full  evening  dress, 
same  colour. 

SNOBSON. — First  dress  : Blue  Albert  coat  with  brass  buttons,  yellow  vest,  red 
and  black  cravat,  broad  plaid  trousers. — Second  dress  : Evening  dress. 

COL.  HOVV’ARD. — First  dress;  Blue  undress  frock  coat  and  cap,  white  trou- 
sers.— Second  dress:  Full  military  uniform. 

ZEKE.— Red  and  blue  livery,  cocked  hat,  &c. 


MRS.  TIFFANY. — First  dress:  Extravagant  modem  dress.— Second  dress: 
Hat,  feathers,  and  mantle,  witli  the  above. — Third  dress  : Morning  dress.— 
Fourth  dross;  Rich  ball  dress. 

SERAPIIINA. — First  dress:  Rich  modern  dress,  lady’s  tarpaulin  on  one  side  of 
head. — Second  dress:  Morning  dress. — Tiiird  dress:  Handsome  ball  dress, 
profusion  of  ornaments  and  flowers. — fourth  dress  ; Bonnot  and  mantle. 

GERTRUDE.— First  dross : White  muslin. — Second  dress : Ball  dress,  very 
simple. 

MILLINETTE. — Lady’s  Maid’s  dress,  very  gay. 

PRUDENCE.— Black  satin,  very  narrow  in  the  skirt,  tight  sleeves,  whit® 
muslin  apron,  neckerchief  of  the  same,  folded  over  bosom,  old-fashioned • 
cap,  high  top  and  broad  frill,  and  red  ribbons. 


► 


1 


FASHION. 


i ACT  I. 

SCENE  I. 

)d  splendid  Drcnoing  Uoont  in  the  House  of  Mrs.  TiFFANy. 
I Open  folding  doors  c.  f.,  discovering  a Conservatory , 

^ On  either  side  glass  windows  down  to  the  ground, 

I Doors  on  ii.  and  l.  u.  f.  Mirror,  couches,  ottomans, 

; a table  with  alburns,  ^c.,  beside  it  an  arm  chair, 

1 Milftnette  r.  dusting  furniture,  Zeke  l.  in 

a dashing  livery,  scarlet  coat,  l^'c, 

Zehe.  Dcre’s  a coat  to  take  cle  eyes  ob  all  Broadway  ! 
Ah  ! Missy,  it  am  dc  fixins  dat  make  dc  natural  born  gem- 

fian.  A libery  for  ever  ! Derc’s  a pair  ob  insuppressibles 
3 ’stonish  de  colored  population. 

Millinette,  Ob,  oui.  Monsieur  Zeke  (very  politclyj, 
not  comprend  one  word  be  say  ! (aside.) 

I Zeke,  I tell  ’ce  what,  Missy,  I’m  ’stordinary  glad  to 
Ifind  dis  a bery  ’spcctabul  like  situation  ! Now  as  you’ve 
/made  de  acquaintance  ob  dis  here  family,  and  dere  you’ve 
Iliad  a supernumerary  advantage  ob  me — seeing  dat  I only 
jreceibed  my  appointment  dis  morning.  What  I wants  to 
Iknow’  is  your  ]mblicated  opinion,  privately  expressed,  ob 
de  domestic  circle. 

Mil,  You  mean  vat  espl'ce,  vat  kind  of  personnes  are 
Nlonsienr  and  Madame  Tilfany  ? Ah  ! Monsieur  is  not  dc 
same  ting  as  Madame, — not  at  all. 

Zjeke,  Well,  I s’ pose  he  aint  altogether. 

Mil,  Monsieur  is  man  of  business, — Madame  is  lady  of 
fashion.  Monsieur  make  de  money, — Madame  spend  it. 
Monsieur  nobody  at  all, — Madame  everybody  altogether. 
Ah  ! Monsieur  Zeke,  de  money  is  all  dat  is  necessaire  ia 


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1 ' ,.• 


FASHION. 


2 


[Act  I. 


dis  country  to  make  one  lady  of  fashion.  Oh  ! it  is  quite 
anodcr  ting  in  la  belle  Franee  ! 

7jeke,  A bery  luciter  explanation.  Well,  now  we’ve 
disposed  oh  de  heads  oh  de  family,  who  come  next  ? 

MiL  First,  derc  is  Mademoiselle  Seraphina  Tiffany. 
Mademoiselle  is  not  at  all  one  proper  personne.  Mademoi- 
selle Seraphina  is  one  coquette.  Dat  is  not  de  mode  in  la 
belle  France  ; de  ladies,  dere,  never  learn  la  cofiuetrie  until 
dev  do  get  one  husband. 

Zeke,  I tell  ’ee  what,  Missy,  I disreprobate  dat  pro- 
ceeding altogeder  I ^ 

Mil,  Yait!  I have  not  tell  you  ^1  la  famillejat.  Dero 
is  Ma’msclle  Prudence — Madame’s  "sister,  one  very  bicarrj 
personne.  Den  dere  is  Ma’mselle  Gertrude,  hut  she  nop 
anybody  at  all ; she  only  teach  Mademoiselle  Seraphina  la 
musique,  1 

Zeke,  Well  now.  Missy,  what’s  your  own  special  def- 
functions  ? j 

MiL  I not  understand.  Monsieur  Zeke.  . 

Zeke,  Den  I’ll  amplify.  What’s  de  nature  ob  your  exJ 
elusive  services  ? 1 

MiL  Ah,  Old  ! je  comprend,  I am  Madame’s  femme  dk 
chambre — her  lady’s  maid.  Monsieur  Zeke.  I teach  Ma  - 
dameand  Madame  set  de  fashion  fo\* 
all  New  York.  You  see.  Monsieur  Zeke,  dat  it  is  me^, 
'^ftioLmcme,  dat  do  lead  de  fashion  for  all  de  American  beaii 
monde  ! 

Zeke,  Yah ! yah ! yah  I I hah  de  idea  by  de  hcelL 
Well  now,  p’raf)s  you  can  ’lustrify  my  officials?  j 

MiL  Vat  you  will  have  to  do?  Oh!  much  tings,* 
much  tings.  You  vait  on  de  table, — ^}mu  tend  de  door, — ! 
you  clean  de  boots, — you  run  de  errands, — you  drive  dq 
carriage, — you  rub  de  horses, — you  take  care  of  de  flowcrsj 
— you  carry  de  water, — you  help  cook  de  dinner, — you 
wash  de  dishes, — and  den  you  always  remember  to  do 
cveryting  I tell  you  to ! 

Zeke,  Wheugh,  am  dat  all  ? 

^ MiL  All  I can  tink  of  now.  To-day  is  Madame’s  dayf 
of  reception,  and  all  her  grand  friends  do  make  her  oncl 
petite  visit.  You  mind  run  fast  ven  de  bell  do  ring.  | 
Zeke,  Run?  If  it  was’nt  for  dese  superfluminous  trim*! 
mings,  I tell  ’ee  what.  Missy,  I’d  run — ^ 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


3 


Mrs,  Tiffany,  (outside)  Millinette ! 

Mil,  Here  comes  Madame  ! You  better  go.  Monsieur 
Zeke. 

Zehe,  Look  ahea,  Massa  Zeke,  does’nt  dis  open  rich ! 
(aside^,^  [Exit  Zeke,  l. 

Enter  Mrs.  Tiffany  r.  3 e.  dressed  in  the  most  extravagant 
height  of  fashion, 

Mrs,  Tif,  Is  everything  in  order,  Millinette?  Ah! 
very  elegant,  very  elegant  indeed  ! There  is  a jenny-says- i 
quoi  look  about  this  furniture, — an  air  of  fashion  and  gen- 
jtility  perfectly  bewitching.  Is  there  not,  Millinette  ? 
i Mil,  Oh,  oui,  Madame ! 

1 Mrs,  Tif,  But  where  is  Miss  Seraphina  ? It  is  twelve 
[o’clock;  our  visitors  will  be  pouring  in,  and  she  has  not 
'.made  her  appearance.  But  I hear  that  nothing  is  more 
fashionable  than  to  keep  people  waiting. — None  but  vulgar 
persons  pay  any  attention  to  punctuality.  Is  it  not  so, 
Millinette  ? 

1 ^lil.  Quite  comme  il  faut. — Great  personnes  always  do 
make  little  personnes  wait,  Madame. 

' Mrs,  Tif  This  mode  of  receiving  visitors  only  upon 
one  specified  day  of  the  week  is  a most  convenient  custom ! 
It  saves  the  trouble  of  keeping  the  house  continually  in 
order  and  of  being  always  dressed.  I flatter  myself  that  I 
was  the  first  to  introduce  it  amongst  the  New  York  ee-light. 
You  are  quite  sure  that  it  is  strictly  a Parisian  mode,  Mil- 
linette ? 

Mil.  Oh,  oui^  Madame  ; entirely  mode  de  Paris. 

Mrs,  Tif.  This  girl  is  worth  her  weight  in  gold  (aside). 
Millinette,  how  do  you  say  arm-chair  in  French  ? 

Mil.  Fauteuil,  Madame. 

Mrs,  Fo-tool ! That  has  a foreign — an  out-of-the- 
wayish  sound  that  is  perfectly  charming — and  so  genteel  • 
There  is  something  about  our  American  words  decidedly 
vulgar.  Foivtool ! how  refined.  Fowtool ! Arm-chair ! 

o 

' what  a difference  I 

Mil.  Madame  have  one  charmante  pronunciation.  Fow- 
tool ! (?nimicM?ig  asidefchRYman^  Madame  I ~ 

3Irs.  Tif  Do  you  think  so,  Millinette?  Well,  loelieve 
I have.  But  a woman  of  refinement  and  of  fashion  can 
always  accommodate  herself  to  everything  foreign  I And 
a week’s  study  of  that  invaluable  work — “ French  without 

R 2 


4 


FASHION. 


[Act  I. 


a Master,^^  has  made  me  quite  at  home  in  the  court  lan- 
guage of  Europe  ! But  where  is  the  new  valet  ? I’m  rather 
sorry  that  he  is  black,  but  to  obtain  a white  American 
for  a domestic  is  almost  impossible  ; and  they  call  this  a 
free  country  ! What  did  you  say  was  the  name  of  this 
new  servant,  Miilinette  ? 

Mil,  He  do  say  his  name  is  Monsieur  Zeke. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Ezekiel,  I suppose.  Zeke  ! Dear  me,  such 
a vulgar  name  will  compromise  the  dignity  of  the  w'hole 
family.  Can  you  not  suggest  something  more  aristocratic, 
Miilinette  ? Something  French  ! 

Mil.  Oh,  oui,  Madame ; Adolph  is  one  very  fine  name. 

Mrs.  Tif.  A-dolph  ! Charming  ! Ring  the  bell,  Mil- 
linette  ! (Millinette  rings  the  bell).  I will  change  his 
name  immediately,  besides  giving  him  a few  directions. 

Enter  Zeke,  l.  u.  h.  Mrs.  Tiffany  addresses  him  with 
great  dignity. 

Your  name,  I hear,  is  Ezekiel. — I consider  it  too  plebeian 
an  appellation  to  be  uttered  in  my  presence.  In  future  you 
are  called  A-dolph.  Don’t  reply, — never  interrupt  me  when 
I am  speaking.  A-dolp-h,  as  my  guests  arrive,  I desire 
that  you  will  inquire  the  name  of  every  person,  and  then 
announce  it  in  a loud,  clear  tone.  That  is  the  fashion  in 
Paris.  [Millinette  retires  up  the  stage. 

Zeke.  Consider  de  othce  discharged.  Missus. 

[speaking  very  loudly. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Silence  ! A'our  business  is  to  obey  and  not 
10  talk. 

Zeke.  I’m  dumb,  Missus! 

Mrs.  Tif.  (pointing  up  stage)  A-dolph,  place  that  fow- 
too!  behind  me. 

Zeke.  (looking  about  him)  I hab’nt  got  dat  far  in  de 
dictionary  yet.  No  matter,  a genus  gets  his  learning  by 
nature.  [takes  up  the  table  and  places  it  behind  Mrs. 

Tiffany,  then  expresses  in  dumb  show 
great  satisfaction.  Mrs.  Tiffany,  a»she 
goes  to  sit,  discovers  the  mistake. 

Mrs.  Tif.  You  dok  I Where  have  you  lived  not  to 
know  that is  the  French  for  arm-chair?  What 
ignorance  ! Leave  the  room  this  instant. 

[Mrs.  Tiffany  r/iY/iCA’  forward  an  arm-chair  and 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


5 


sit6\  Millinette  comes  forward  sup- 
pressing her  merriment  at  Zeke’s  mistake 
and  removes  the  table. 

Zeke.  Bern’s  de  defects  ob  not  having  a libery  education. 

\_Exit  L.  3.  E. 

Prudence  peeps  in,  r.  u.  e. 

Prw.  I wonder  if  any  of  the  fine  folks  have  come  yet. 
Not  a soul, — I knew  they  hadn’t.  There’s  Betsy  all  alone 
(walks  in).  Sister  Betsy  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  c.  Prudence  ! how  many  times  have  I desired 
you  to  call  me  Elizabeth  ? Betsy  is  the  height  of  vul- 
garity. 

Fru.  L.  Oh  ! I forgot.  Dear  me,  how  spruce  we  do  look 
here,  to  be  sure, — everything  in  first  rate  style  now,  Betsy. 

[Mrs.  T.  looks  at  her  angrily. 
Elizabeth  I mean.  Who  would  have  thought,  when  you 
and  I were  sitting  behind  that  little  mahogany^colored 
counter,  in  Canal  Street,  making  up  flashy  hats  and  caps — 

Mrs.  Tif.  Prudence,  what  do  you  mean  ? Millinette, 
leave  the  room. 

Mil.  R.  Oui,  Madame. 

[Millinette  pretends  to  arrange  the  books 
upon  a side  table,  but  Ungers' to  listen. 

Fru.  But  I always  predicted  it, — I always  told  you  so, 
Betsy, — I always  said  you  were  destined  to  rise  above  your 
station ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Prudence  ! Prudence  ! have  I not  told  you 
that— 

Fru.  No,  Betsy,  it  was  I that  told  you,  when  we  used 
to  buy  our  silks  and  ribbons  of  Mr.  Antony  Tiffany — talk- 
ing Tonyf  you  know  we  used  to  call  him,  and  when  you 
always  put  on  the  finest  bonnet  in  our  shop  to  go  to  his, — 
and  when  you  staid  so  long  smiling  and  chattering  with  him, 
I always  told  you  that  something  would  grow  out  of  it — and 
didn’t  it  ? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Millinette,  send  Seraphina  here  instantly. 
Leave  the  room. 

Mil.  Oui,  Madame.  So  dis  Americaine  ladi  of  fashion 
vas  one  milliner  ? Oh,  vat  a fine  country  for  les  merchandes 
des  modes ! I shall  send  for  all  rny  relation  by  de  next 
packet!  (aside).  [Exit  Millinette  r.  w.  u.  e. 

Mrs.  Tif  Prudence ! never  let  me  hear  yr>u  mention 


6 


FAS  El  ION. 


[Act  T. 


this  subject  again.  Forget  what  we  kavehe^n,  it  is  enough 
to  remember  that  we  are  of  the  upper  ten  thousand  ! 

[Prudence  goes  up  l.  c.  and  sits  down. 

Enter  Seraphina  r.  u.  e.,  very  extravagantly  dressed. 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  bewitchingly  you  look,  my  dear  ! Doe^ 
Millinette  say  that  that  head  dress  is  strictly  Parisian  ? > 

Seraphina  r.  Oh  yes,  Mamma,  all  the  rage!  They 
call  it  a lady's  tarpaulin,  and  it  is  the  exact  pattern  of  one 
worn  by  the  Princess  Clementina  at  the  last  court  ball. 

Mrs.  Tif.  L.  Now,  Seraphina  my  dear,  don’t  be  too 
particular  in  your  attentions  to  gentlemen  not  eligible. 
There  is  Count  Jolimaitre,  decidedly  the  most  fashionable 
foreigner  in  town, — and  so  refined, — so  much  accustomed 
to  associate  with  the  first  nobility  in  his  own  country  that 
he  can  hardly  tolerate  the  vulgarity  of  Americans  in  generrd. 
You  may  devote  yourself  to  him.  Mrs.  Proudacre  is  dying 
to  become  acquainted  with  him.  By  the  by,  if  she  or  her 
daughters  should  happen  to  drop  in,  be  sure  you  don’t 
introduce*  them  to  the  Count.  It  is  not  the  fashion  in 
Paris  to  introduce — Millinette  told  me  so.>^ 

Enter  Zeke,  l.  u.  e. 

Zeke.  (in  a very  loud  voice)  Mister  T.  Tennyson 
Twinkle ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Show  him  up. 

\Exit  Zeke  l. 

Eru.  I must  be  running  away  ! [c/oing. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  T.  Tennyson  Twinkle — a very  literary 
young  man  and  a sweet  poet  ! It  is  all  the  rage  to  patronize 
poets  ! Quick,  Seraphina,  hand  me  that  magazine. — Mr. 
Twinkle  writes  for  it. 

[Seraphina  hands  the  magazine,  Mrs.  T.  seats 
herself  in  an  arm-chair  and  opens  the  hook. 

Pru.  (returning  L.)  There’s  Betsy  trying  to  make  out 
that  reading  without  her  spectacles. 

\takes  a pair  of  spectacles  out  of  her  pocket 
and  hands  them  to  Mrs.  Tiffany. 
There,  Betsy,  I knew  you  were  going  to  ask  for  them. 
Ah  ! they’re  a blessing  when  one  is  growing  old  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  What  do  you  mean.  Prudence  ? A woman 
of  fashion  never  grows  old  ! Age  is  always  out  of  fashion. 

Pru.  Oh,  dear  ! what  a delightful  thing  it  is  to  be 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION 


fashionable.  [Exit  Prudence,  r.  u e.  Mrs.  Tiffany 

resumes  her  seat, 

* Enter  Twinkli;:,  l.  u.  e.  {salutes  Seraphina.) 

Twin,  Fair  Seraphina ! the  sun  itself  grows  dim. 

Unless  you  aid  his  light  and  shine  on  him  ! 

Sera,  Ah  ! Mr.  Twinkle,  there  is  no  such  thing  as 
answering  you. 

Twin,  (looks  around  and  'perceives  Mrs.  Tiffany)  The 
‘‘ New  Monthly  Vernal  Galaxy.”  Reading  my  verses  by 
all  that’s  charming ! Sensible  woman  ! I w^o’nt  interrupt 
her.  (aside), 

Mrs.  Tif,  (rising  and  cowling  forward)  Ah!  Mr.  Twin- 
kle, is  that  you  ? I was  perfectly  ahime  at  the  perusal  of 
your  very  distingue  verses. 

Twin,  I am  overwhelmed.  Madam.  Permit  me  (taking 
the  magazine) . Yes,  they  do  read  tolerably.  And  you 
must  take  into  consideration,  ladies,  the  rapidity  with  which 
they  were  written.  Four  minutes  and  a half  by  the  stop 
watch  1 The  true  test  of  a poet  is  the  velocity  with  which 
he  composes.  Really  they  do  look  very  prettily,  and  they 
read  tolerably — quite  tolerably — very  tolerably, — especially 
the  first  verse,  (reads)  “ To  Seraphina  T .” 

Sera.  Oh  ! Mr.  Twinkle  1 

Twin,  (reads)  “ Around  my  heart” — 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  touching!  Really,  Mr.  Twinkle,  cpute 

tender  ! 

^^vin.  (recommencing)  ‘‘Around  my  heart” — 

pirs.  Tif.  Oh,  I must  tell  you,  Mr.  Twunkle  ! I heard 
the  other  day  that  poets  were  the  aristocrats  of  literature. 
That’s  one  reason  I like  them,  for  I do  dote  on  all  aris- 
tocracy ! 

Twin.  Oh,  Madam,  how  flattering  ! Now  pray  lend 
me  your  ears ! ( reads) 

“ Around  my  heart  thou  weavest” — 

Sera.  r.  That  is  such  a sweet  commencement,  Mr. 
Twinkle ! 

Twin.  L.  I wush  she  wouldn’t  interrupt  me  ! (aside) 
(reads)  “ Around  rny  heart  thou  weavest  a spell” — 

Mrs.  Tif.  c.  Beautiful ! But  excuse  me  one  moment, 
while  I say  a word  to  Seraphina  ! Don’t  be  too  affable, 
rny  dear ! Poets  are  very  ornamental  appendages  to  the 


8 


FASHION. 


[Act  I. 


r drawing  room,  but  they  are  always  as  poor  as  their  own 
Lverses.  They  don’t  make  eligible  husbands  ! 

(aside  to  Seraphina). 

Twin.  Confound  their  interruptions  ! My  dear 

Madam,  unless  you  pay  the  utmost  attention  you  cannot 
catch  the  ideas.  Kxq  you  ready  ? Weil,  now  you  shall 
hear  it  to  the  end ! (reads) — 

“ Around  my  heart  thou  weavest  a spell 
“ Whose” — 

Enter  Zeke,  l. 

Zeke.  Mister  Augustus  Fogg  1 A bery  misty  lookin 
young  gemman  ? (aside). 

Mrs.  Tif.  Show  him  up,  Adolph  ! 

\_Exit  Zeke  l. 

Twin.  This  is  too  much  ! 

Sera.  Exquisite  verses,  Mr.  Twinkle, — exquisite  ! 

Twin.  Ah,  lovely  Seraphina  ! your  smile  of  approval 
transports  me  to  the  summit  of  Olympus. 

Sera.  Then  I must  Jrowm,  for  I would  not  send  you  so 
far  away. 

Twin.  Enchantress  I Its  all  over  with  her.  (aside) 

\Retire  uj)  r.  and  converse. 

Ml'S.  Tif.  Mr.  Fogg  belongs  to  one  of  our  oldest  fami- 
lies,— to  be  sure  he  is  the  most  difficult  person  in  the  world 
to  entertain,  for  he  never  takes  the  trouble  to  talk,  and 
never  notices  anything  or  anybody, — but  then  I hear  that 
nothing  is  considered  so  vulgar  as  to  betray  any  emotion, 
or  to  attempt  to  render  oneself  agreeable  ! j/v 

Enter  Mr.  Fogg,  l.,  fashionably  attired  hut  in  verfitark 
clothes.  V 

Fogg,  (bowing  stiffly)  Mrs.  Tiffany,  your  most  obedient. 
Miss  Seraphina,  yours.  How  d’ye  do  Twdnkle  ? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Fogg,  how  do  you  do  ? Fine  weather, 
— delightful,  isn’t  it  ? 

Fogg.  I am  indifferent  to  weather.  Madam. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Been  to  the  opera,  Mr.  Fogg  ? I hear  that 
the  how  'monde  make  their  debutt  there  every  evening. 

Fogg.  I consider  operas  a bore.  Madam. 

Sera,  (advancing)  You  must  hear  Mr.  Twinkle’s  verses, 
Mr.  Fogg  1 

Fogg.  I am  indifferent  to  verses,  Miss  Seraphina. 

Sera.  But  Mr.  Twinkle’s  verses  are  addressed  to  me  ! 


Scene  I,] 


FASHION. 


9 


Zeke. 

Twin. 


Twin.  Now  pay  attention,  Fogg  ! (reads) — 

“ Around  iny  heart  thou  weavest  a spell 
Whose  magic  I” — 

Enter  Zeke  l.  u.  e. 

Mister — No,  he  say  he  aint  no  Mister — 

“ Around  my  heart  thou  weavest  a spell 
Whose  magic  I can  never  tell  !” 

Mrs.  Tif.  Speak  in  a loud,  clear  tone,  A-doIph  ! 

Twin.  This  is  terrible  ! 

Zeke.  Mister  Count  Jolly-made-herX--^ 

Mrs.  Tif.  Count  Jolimaitre  ! ' 0'6od  gracious  ! Zeke, 
Zeke — :A-dolph  I mean. — Dear  me,  what  a mistake  ! (aside) 
Set  that  chair  out  of  the  way, — put  that  table  back.  Sera- 
phina,  my  dear,  are  you  all  in  order?  Dear  me  ! dear 
me  ! Your  dress  is  so  tumbled  ! (arranges  her  dress) 
What  are  you  grinning  at  ? Zeke)  Beg  the  Count  to 
honor  us  by  walk^ing  up  ! [Exit  Zeke,  l. 

Seraphina,  my  dear  (aside  to  her),  remember  now  what  I 
told  you  about  the  Count.  He  is  a man  of  the  highest, — 
good  gracious ! I am  so  flurried  ; and  nothing  is  so  ungen- 
teel  as  agitation  1 what  will  the  Count  think  ! Mr.  Twin- 
kle, pray  stand  out  of  the  way  ! Seraphina,  my  dear, 
place  yourself  on  my  right  ! Mr.  Fogg,  the  conservatory 
— beautiful  flowers, — pray  amuse  yourself  in  the  conser- 
vatory. 

Fogg.  I am  indiiferent  to  flowers,  Madam. 

3Irs.  Tif.  Dear  me  ! the  man  stands  right  in  the  way, 
— just  where  the  Count  must  make  his  e^ifray  ! [aside. 
Mr.  Fogg, — pray — 

Enter  Count  Jolimaitre,  i.u.e.  dashingly  dressed, 
yjears  a moustaehe. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Oh,  Count,  this  unexpected  honor — - 

Sera.  Count,  this  inexpressible  pleasure — 

Count.  Beg  you  won’t  mention  it,  Madam  ! Miss  Sera- 
phina, your  most  devoted  1 (crosses  to  c.) 

Mrs.  Tif.  What  condescension  ! (aside)  Count  may 
I take  the  liberty  to  introduce — Good  gracious  ! I forgot. 
(aside)  Count,  I was  about  to  remark  that  we  never  intro- 
' duce  in  America.  All  our  fashions  are  foreign.  Count. 

I [Twtnkle,  who  has  stepped  forward  to  he 

\ introduced,  shows  great  indignation. 




10 


FASHION. 


[Act  I. 


antideluvian  before  you  Americans  discover  their  existence. 
You  are  lamentably  behind  the  age — lamentably ! ’Pon 
my  honor,  a foreigner  of  refinement  finds  great  difficulty 
in  existing  in  this  provincial  atmosphere. 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  dreadful,  Count ! I am  very  much 
concerned.  If  there  is  anything  which  I can  do.  Count — 

Sera.  r.  Or  I,  Count,  to  render  your  situation  less  de- 
plorable— 

Count.  Ah  ! I find  but  one  redeeming  charm  in  America 
— the  superlative  loveliness  of  the  feminine  portion  of  crea- 
tion,— and  the  wealth  of  their  obliging  papas,  (aside) 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  flattering  ! Ah ! Count,  I am  afraid 
you  will  turn  the  head  of  my  simple  girl  here.  She  is  a 
perfect  child  of  nature,  Count. 

Count.  Very  possibly,  for  though  you  American  women 
are  quite  charming,  yet,  demme,  there’s  a deal  of  native 
rust  to  rub  off ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Rust  ? Good  gracious,  Count ! where  do 
you  find  any  rust  ? [looking  about  the  room. 

Count.  How  very  unsophisticated  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Count,  I am  so  much  ashamed, — pray  ex- 
cuse me  ! Although  a lady  of  large  fortune,  and  one. 
Count,  who  can  boast  of  the  highest  connections,  I blush 
to  confess  that  I have  never  travelled, — while  you.  Count, 
I presume  are  at  home  in  all  the  courts  of  Europe. 

Count.  Courts  ? Eh  ? Oh,  yes,  Madam,  very  true. 
I believe  I am  pretty  well  known  in  some  of  the  courts  of 
Europe — police  courts,  (aside,  crossing,  l.)  In  a word. 
Madam,  I had  seen  enough  of  civilized  life — wanted  to 
refresh  myself  by  a sight  of  barbarous  countries  and  cus- 
toms— had  my  choice  between  the  Sandwich  Islands  and 
New  York — chose  New  York  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  complimentary  to  our  country  ! And, 
Count,  I have  no  doubt  you  speak  every  conceivable  lan- 
guage ? You  talk  English  like  a native. 

Count.  Eh,  what?  Like  a native  ? Oh,  ah,  demme, 
yes,  I am  something  of  an  Englishman.  Passed  one  year 
and  eight  months  with  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  six  months 
with  Lord  Brougham,  two  and  a half  with  Count  d’Orsay 
— knew  them  all  more  intimately  than  their  bestfriends — 
no  heroes  to  me — hadn’t  a secret  from  rne,  I 
especialhj  of  the  toilet,  (aside). 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


11 


Mrs.  Tif.  Think  of  that,  my  dear  ! Lord  Wellington 
and  Duke  Broom  ! [aside  to  Seraphina. 

Sera.  And  only  think  of  Count  d’Orsay,  Mamma ! 
(aside  to  Mrs.  Tiffany)  I am  so  wild  to  see  Count  d’Or- 
say  ! 

Count  L.  Oh  ! a mere  man  milliner.  Very  little  refine- 
ment out  of  Paris  ? Why  at  the  very  last  dinner  given  at 
Lord — Lord  Knowswho,  would  you  believe  it,  Madam, 
there  was  an  individual  present  who  wore  a black  cravat 
and  took  soup  twice  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  c.  How  shocking!  the  sight  of  him  would 
have  spoilt  my  appetite  ! Think  what  a great  man  he 
must  be,  my  dear,  to  despise  lords  and  counts  in  that  way. 
(aside  to  Seraphina.)  1 must  leave  them  together,  (aside.) 
Mr.  Twinkle,  your  arm.  I have  some  really  very  foreign 
exotics  to  show  you. 

Twin.  I fly  at  your  command.  I wish  all  her  exotics 
w^ere  blooming  in  their  native  soil  ! 

[aside,  and  glancing  at  the  Count. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Fogg,  will  you  accompany  us  ? My 
conservatory  is  well  worthy  a visit.  It  cost  an  immense 
sum  of  money. 

Fogg.  I am  indifferent  to  conservatories.  Madam ; 
flowers  are  such  a bore ! 

Mrs.  Tif  I shall  take  no  refusal.  Conservatories  are 
all  the  rage, — I could  not  exist  without  mine  ! Let  me 
show  you, — let  me  show  you. 

[places  her  arm  through  Mr.  Fogg’s,  without 
his  consent.  Exeunt  Mrs.  Tiffany,  Fogg, 
and  Twinkle  into  the  conservatory,  where 
they  are  seen  walking  about. 

Sera.  America,  then,  has  no  charms  for  you,  Count  ? 

Count.  Excuse  me, — some  exceptions.  I find  you,  for 
instance,  particularly  charming  I Can’t  say  I admire  your 
country.  Ah  ! if  you  had  ever  breathed  the  exhilarating 
air  of  Paris,  ate  creams  at  Tortoni’s,  dined  at  the  Cafe 
Royale,  or  if  you  had  lived  in  London — felt  at  home  at  St. 
James’s,  and  every  afternoon  driven  a couple  of  Lords  and 
a Duchess  through  Hyde  Park,  you  would  find  America 
— where  you  have  no  kings,  queens,  lords,  nor  ladies — in 
supportable  ! 

Sera.  Not  while  there  was  a Count  in  it? 


FASHION. 


[Act  1. 


:2 


Enter  Zeke,  l.  u.  e.  very  indiynant, 

Zeke.  Where’s  de  Missus  ? 

Enter  Mrs.  Tiffany,  Fogg,  and  Twinkle,  from  the 
conservatory . 

Mrs,  Tif.  Whom  do  you  come  to  announce,  A-dolph  ? 

Zeke,  He  said  he  wouldn’t  trust  me — no,  not  eben  wid 
so  much  as  his  name;  so  I wouldn’t  trust  him  up  stairs, 
den  he  ups  wid  his  stick  and  I cuts  mine, 

Mrs,  Tif.  Some  of  Mr.  Tiffany’s  Vulgar  acquaintances. 
I shall  die  with  shame,  (aside)  A-dolph,  inform  him  that 
I am  not  at  home.  \Exit  Zeke,  l.  u.  e. 

My  nerves  are  so  shattered,  I am  ready  to  sink.  Mr. 
Twinkle,  th^t  fow  tool,  if  you  please  ! 

Twin,  What?  What  do  you  wish.  Madam  ? 

Mrs,  Tif.  The  ignorance  of  these  Americans!  (aside) 
Count,  may  I trouble  you  ? That  fow  tool,  if  you  please! 

Count.  She’s  not  talking  English,  nor  Fr_e^nch,  but  I 
suppose  it’s  American,  (aside.)  ^ 

True,  (outside.)  Not  at  home! 

Zeke.  No,  Sar — Missus  say  she’s  not  at  home. 

True.  Out  of  the  way  you  grinning  nigger! 

Enter  Adam  Trueman,  l.  u.  ie:.,  dressed  as  a farmer, 
a stout  cane  in  his  hand,  his  boots  covered  with  dust, 
out  of  his  way  as  he  enters. 

[Exit  Zeke,  l. 

True.  Where’s  this  woman  that’s  not  at  home  in  her 
own  house?  May  I be  shot!  if  1 wonder  at  it!  I should’nt 
think  she’d  ever  feel  at  home  in  such  a show’-box  as  this! 

(looking  round.) 

Mrs.  Tif,  What  a plebeian  looking  old  farmer!  I wonder 
who  he  is  ? (aside.)  Sir — {advancing  very  agitatedly)  what 
do  you  mean.  Sir,  by  this  (92cdacious  conduct?  How  dare 
you  intrude  yourself  into  my  parlor?  Do  you  know  who 
I am.  Sir  ? {with  great  dignity)  You  are  in  the  presence 
of  Mrs.  Tiffany,  Sir^ 

True.  Antony’s  wife,  eh?  WYll  now,  I might  have 
guessed  that — ha!  ha!  ha!  for  I see  you  make  it  a point 
to  carry  half  your  husband’s  shop  upon  your  back!  No 
matter;  that’s  being  a good  helpmate — for  he  carried  the 
whole  of  it  once  in  a pack  on  his  own  shoulders — now  yor 
bear  a share! 


SCTCNE  1.] 


FASHION. 


13 


3Irs,  Tif.  How  dare  you,  you  impertinent,  ow^dacious, 
ignorant  old  man  ! Its  all  an  invention.  You’re  talking 
of  somebody  else.  What  will  the  Count  think  ! (aside) 

Trite.  Why,  I thought  folks  had  better  manners  in  the  ^ 
city  ! This  is  a civil  welcome  for  your  husband’s  old  friend, 
and  after  my  coming  all  the  way  from  Catterangus  to  see 
you  and  yours ! First  a grinning  nigger  tricked  out  in 
scarlet  regimentals-— • 

Mrs.  Tif,  Let  me  tell  you.  Sir,  that  liveries  are  all  the 
hishion  ! 

True.  The  fashion,  are  they  ? To  make  men  wear  the 
badge  of  servitude^  in  a free  land, — that’s  the  fashion,  is  it? 
Hurrah,  for  republican  simplicity ! I will  venture  to  say 
now,  that  you  have  your  coat  of  arms  too  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Certainly,  Sir  ; you  can  see  it  on  the  panels 
of  my  voyture. 

True.  Oh  ! no  need  of  that.  I know  what  your  es- 
cutcheon must  be  ! A bandbox  rampant  with  a bonnet 
couchant,  and  a pedlar’s  pack  passant  ! Ha,  ha,  ha  ! that 
shows  both  houses  united  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Sir ! you  are  most  profoundly  ignorant, — 
what  do  you  mean  by  this  insolence.  Sir  ? How  shall  I 
get  rid  of  him?  (aside) 

True.  {looJdng  at  Seraphina)  I hope  that  is  not  Ger- 
trude ! {aside) 

Mrs,  Tif.  Sir,  I’d  have  you  know  that — Seraphina, 
my  child,  walk  with  the  gentlemen  into  the  conservatory. 

[Exeunt  Seraphina,  Twinkle,  Fogg  into 
conservatory . 

Count  Jolimaitre,  pray  make  due  allowances  for  the  errors 
of  this  rustic ! I do  assure  you.  Count — (whispers  to  him) 

True.  Count ! She  calls  that  critter  with  a shoe  brush 
over  his  mouth.  Count ! To  look  at  him,  I should  have 
thought  he  was  a tailor’s  walking  advertisement!  {aside) 

Count,  {addressing  Trueman  whom,  lie  has  been  in- 
specting through  his  eye-glass)  Where  did  you  say  you 
d,  my  friend  ? Dug  out  of  the  ruins  of  Pompeii, 

'rue.  I belong  to  a land  in  which  I rejoice  to  find  that  | 
are  a foreigner.  ^ 

Count.  What  a barbarian  ! lie  doesn’t  see  the  honor 
’m  doing  his  country ! Pray,  Madam,  is  it  one  of  the 


14 


FASHION. 


[Act  I. 


aboriginal  inhabitants  of  the  soil  ? To  what  tribe  of  Indians 
does  he  belong — the  Pawnee  or  Choctaw  ? Does  he  carry 
a tomahawk  ? 

True.  Something  quite  as  useful, — do  you  see  that  ? 

[Shaking  his  stick.  Count  runs  to  r.  h. 
behind  Mrs.  Tiffany. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Oh,  dear  ! I shall  faint  ! Millinette  ! {ajg- 
'proaching  r.  d.)  Millinette  ! 


Enter  Millinette,  r.  d.,  without  advancing  into  the  room. 


Milli.  Oui,  Madame. 

Mrs.  Tif.  A glass  of  water ! [Exit  Millinette,  r. 
Sir,  {crossing  l.  to  Trueman)  I am  shocked  at  your  ple- 
beian conduct  ! This  is  a gentleman  of  the  highest  stand- 
ing, Sir  ! He  is  a Count,  Sir  ! 


Enter  Millinette,  r.,  hearing  a salver  with  a glass  of 
water.  In  advancing  towards  Mrs.  Tiffany,  she  passes 
in  front  of  the  Count,  starts  and  screams.  The  Count, 
after  a start  of  surprise,  regains  his  composure,  plays  with 
his  eye  glass,  and  looks  perfectly  unconcerned. 

Mrs.  Tif.  What  is  the  matter?  What  is  the  matter? 

Milli.  Noting,  noting, — only — {looks  at  Count  and 
turns  away  her  eyes  again)  only — noting  at  all ! 

True.  Don’t  be  afraid,  girl  1 Why,  did  you  never  see 
a live  Count  before  ? He’s  tame, — I dare  say  your  mistress 
there  leads  him  about  by  the  ears. 

Mrs.  Tif.  This  is  too  much  ! Millinette,  send  for  Mr. 
Tiffany  instantly ! 

to  Millinette,  who  is  going,  3 e.  l. 

Milli.  He  just  come  in,  Madame ! 

True.  My  old  friend  ! Where  is  he  ? Take  me  to 
him, — I long  to  have  one  more  hearty  shake  of  the  hand  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  {crosses  to  him.)  Count,  honor  me  by  join- 
ing my  daughter  in  the  conservatory,  I will  return  imme- 
diately. 


[Count  hows  and  walks  towards  conser 
Mrs.  Tiffany  following  part  of  th 
and  then  returning  to  Trueman. 
True.  What  a Jezebel ! These  women  always  play 
very  devil  with  a man,  and  yet  I don’t  believe 


' 

h 

)]ay  t 
such  * 


Scene  I.]  FASHION.  15 

damaged  bale  of  goods  as  that  (looking  at  Mrs.  Tiffany) 
has  smothered  the  heart  of  little  Antony ! 

Mrs,  Tif,  This  way.  Sir,  sal  vous  plait. 

[Exit  L.  with  great  dignity. 

True.  Sal  vous  plait.  Ha,  ha,  ha ! We’ll  see  what 
Fashion  has  done  for  him. 


[Exit  L. 


16 


FASHION. 


[Act  II. 


ACT  II. 

SCENE  I. 

Tnner  apartment  oflAx.  Tiffany’s  Counting  House.  Mr. 
Tiffany,  r.  c.,  seated  at  a desk  looking  over  papers. 
Mr.  Snobson,  l.  c.,  on  a high  stool  at  another  desky 
with  a pen  behind  his  ear, 

Snobson.  {rising  l.,  advances  L.  to  the  front  of  the 
fitage,  regards  Tiffany  and  shrugs  his  shoulders)  How 
the  old  boy  frets  and  fumes  over  those  papers,  to  be  sure  ! 
He’s  working  himself  into  a perfect  fever — ex-actly, — there- 
fore bleedbig' s the  prescription  ! So  here  goes ! {aside) 
Mr.  Tiffany,  a word  with  you,  if  you  please.  Sir  ? 

Tif.  {sitting  still)  Speak  on,  Mr.  Snobson,  I attend. 

Snob.  What  I have  to  say,  Sir,  is  a matter  of  the  first 
importance  to  the  credit  of  the  concern — the  credit  of  the 
concern,  Mr.  Tiffany ! 

Tif.  Proceed,  Mr.  Snobson. 

Snob.  Sir  you’ve  a handsome  house — fine  carriage — 
nigger  in  livery — feed  on  the  fat  of  the  land — everything 
first  rate — 

Tif.  Well,  Sir? 

Snob.  My  salary,  Mr.  Tiffany ! 

Tif  It  has  been  raised  three  times  within  the  last  year. 

Snob.  Still  it  is  insufficient  for  the  necessities  of  an 
lionest  man, — mark  me,  an  honest  man,  Mr.  Tifiany, 

Tif.  {crossing  l.)  What  a weapon  he  has  made  of  that 
word  ! (aside)  Enough — another  hundred  shall  be  added. 
Docs  that  content  you  ? 

Snob.  There  is  one  other  subject  which  I have  before 
mentioned,  Mr.  Tiffany, — your  daughter, — what’s  the  rea- 
son you  can’t  let  the  folks  at  home  know  at  once  that  I’m 
to  f)e  the  man  ? 

‘ Tif  Villain!  And  must  the  only  seal  upon  this  scoun- 
drel's li|)s  be  placed  there  by  the  hand  of  my  daughter? 
(aside)  Weil,  Sir,  it  shall  be  as  you  desire. 

Snob.  And  Mrs.  Tiffany  shall  be  informed  of  your  re- 
solution ? 

Tf.  Yes. 


Scene  I.]  FASHION.  17 

Snob,  Enough  said  ! That’s  the  ticket ! The  crfdit 
of  the  concerrCs  safe,  Sir  ! 

[returns  to  his  sent. 

Tif  How  low  have  I bowed  to  this  insolent  rascal  ! 
To  rise  himself  he  mounts  upon  my  shoulders,  and  unless 
I can  shake  him  off  he  must  crush  me  ! {aside) 

Enter  Trueman,  c.,  down  on  l.  h. 

True.  Here  I am,  Antony,  man  ! I told  you  I’d  pay 
you  a visit  in  your  money-making  quarters,  {looks  around) 
But  it  looks  as  dismal  here  as  a cell  in  the  States’  prison  ! 

Tif.  {forcing  a laugh)  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! States’  prison  ! 
You  are  so  faeetious ! Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 

True.  Well,  for  the  life  of  me  I can’t  see  anything  so 
amusing  in  that  ! I should  think  the  States’  prison  plaguy 
uncomfortable  lodgings.  And  you  laugh,  man,  as  though 
you  fancied  yourself  there  already. 

Tif  Ha,  ha,  ha ! 

True,  {imitating  him)  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! Wliat  on  earth 
do  you  mean  by  that  ill-sounding  laugh,  that  has  nothing 
of  a laugh  about  it ! This  yh^Aeow-worship  has  made  hea- 
thens and  hypocrites  of  you  all  I Deception  is  your  house- 
hold God  ! A man  laughs  as  if  he  were  crying,  and  cries 
as  if  he  were  laughing  in  his  sleeve.  Everything  is  some- 
thing else  from  what  it  seems  to  be.  I have  lived  in  your 
house  only  three  days,  and  I've  heard  more  lies  than  were 
ever  invented  during  a Presidential  election  ! First  your 
tine  lady  of  a wife  sends  me  word  that  she’s  not  at  home — 

I walk  up  stairs,  and  she  takes  good  care  that  I shall  not 
be  at  home — wants  to  turn  me  out  of  doors.  Then  you 
come  in — take  your  old  friend  by  the  hand — whisper,  the 
deuce  knows  what,  in  your  wife’s  ear,  and  the  tables  are 
turned  in  a tangent ! Madam  curtsies — says  she’s  enchanted 
to  see  me^ — and  orders  her  grinning  nigger  to  show  me  a 
room. 

Tif.  We  were  exceedingly  happy  to  welcome  you  as 
our  guest ! 

True.  Happy  ? You  happy  ? Ah ! Antony  ! Antony ! 
that  hatchet  face  of  your’s,  and  those  criss-cross  furrows  ^ ■ 
tell  quite  another  story  ! It’s  many  a long  day  since  you 
were  happy  at  anything!  You  look  as  if  you’d  melted 
down  your  flesh  into  dollars,  and  mortgaged  your  soul  in 
the  bargain ! Your  warm  heart  has  grown  cold  over  your 

c 


18 


FASHION. 


[Act  II. 


ledger — your  light  spirits  heavy  with  calculation  ! You 
have  traded  away  your  youth — ^your  hopes — your  tastes  for 
wealth ! and  now  you  have  the  wealth  you  coveted,  what 
does  it  profit  you  ? Pleasure  it  cannot  l3uy  ; for  you  have 
lost  your  capacity  for  enjoyment — Ease  it  will  not  bring ; 
for  the  love  of  gain  is  never  satisfied  ! It  has  made  your 
counting-house  a penitentiary,  and  your  home  a fashionable 
museum  where  there  is  no  niche  for  you ! You  have  spent 
so  much  time  ciphering  in  the  one,  that  you  find  yourself 
at  last  a very  cipher  in  the  other ! See  me,  man  ! seventy- 
"^two  last  August! — strong  as-  a hickorj  and  every  whit  as 
sound ! 

Tif.  I take  the  greatest  pleasure  in  remarking  your 
superiority.  Sir. 

^ True.  Bah ! no  man  takes  pleasure  in  remarking  the 
S superiority  of  another?  Why  the  deuce,  can’t  you  speak 
^the  truth,  man?  But  it’s  not  the  fashion  I suppose!  I 
have  not  seen  one  frank,  open  face  since — no,  no,  I can’t 
say  that  either,  though  lying  is  catching ! There’s  that 
girl,  Gertrude,  who  is  trying  to  teach  your  daughter  music 
— but  Gertrude  was  bred  in  the  country  1 

Tif.  A good  girl ; my  wife  and  daughter  find  her  very 
useful. 

True.  Useful  ? Well  I must  say  you  have  queer  no- 
tions of  use  ! — But  come,  cheer  up,  man  ! I’d  rather  see 
one  of  your  old  smiles,  than  know  you’d  realized  another 
thousand!  I hear  you  are  making  money  on  the  true, 
American,  high  pressure  system — better  go  slow  and  sure 
— the  more  steam,  the  greater  danger  of  the  boiler’s  burst- 
ing ! All  sound,  I hope?  Nothing  rotten  at  the  core? 

Tif.  Oh,  sound — quite  sound  ! 

True.  Well  that’s  pleasant — though  I must  say  you 
do’nt  look  very  pleasant  about  it ! 

Tif.  My  good  friend,  although  I am  solvent,  I may  say, 
perfectly  solvent — ^yet  you — the  fact  is,  you  can  be  of  some 
assistance  to  me ! 

True.  That’s  the  fact  is  it?  I’m  glad  we’ve  hit  upon 
one  fact  at  last ! Well — 

[Snobson,  who  during  this  conversation  has 
been  employed  in  writing^  hut  stops  occa^ 
sionally  to  listen^  now  gives  vent  to  a dry 
chuckling  laugh. 


Scene  II.] 


FASHION. 


19 


True,  Hey  ? What’s  that  ? Another  of  those  deuced 
ill-sounding,  city  laughs  ! {sees  Snobson)  Who’s  that  perched 
up  on  the  stool  of  repentance — eh,  Antony  ? 

Snob,  The  old  boy  has  missed  his  text  there — thaf sK 
the  stool  of  repentance ! ^ 

[aside  and  looking  at  Tiffany’s  seat, 
Tif,  One  of  my  clerks — my  confidential  clerk ! 

True,  Confidential?  Why  he  looks  for  all  the  world 
like  a spy — the  most  inquisitorial,  hang-dog  face — ugh ! 
the  sight  of  it  makes  my  blood  run  cold  ! Come,  {crosses 
R.)  let  us  talk  over  matters  where  this  critter  can’t  give  us 
the  benefit  of  his  opinion ! Antony,  the  next  time  you 
choose  a confidential  clerk,  take  one  that  carries  his  cre- 
dentials in  his  face — those  in  his  pocket  are  not  worth 
much  without ! 

[Exeunt  Trueman  and  Tiffany,  r.  1 e. 
Snob,  {jumping  from  his  stool  and  advancing  c.)  The 
old  prig  has  got  the  tin,  or  Tilf  would  never  be  so  civil ! 
All  right — Tiff  will  work  every  shiner  into  the  concern — 
all  the  better  for  me ! Now  I’ll  go  and  make  love  to 
Seraphiua.  The  old  woman  needn’t  try  to  knock  me  down 
with  any  of  her  French  lingo ! Six  months  from  to-day  if 
aint  driving  my  two  footmen  tandem,  down  Broadway — 
and  as  fashionable  as  Mrs.  Tiffany  herself,  then  I aint  the 
trump  I thought  I was!  that’s  all.  {looks  at  his  watch) 
Bless  me!  eleven  o’clock  and  I haven’t  had  my  julep  yet? 
Snobson,,  I’m  ashamed  of  you! 

[Exity  L. 


SCENE  II. 

'The  interior  of  a beautiful  conservatory  ; walk  through  the 
centre ; stands  of  flower  pots  in  bloom;  a couple  of 
rustic  seats,  Gertrude,  r.  c.,  attired  in  white^ 
with  a white  rose  in  her  hair ; watering  the  flowers. 
Colonel  Howard,  l.,  regarding  her. 


How.,  L.  c.  I am  afraid  you  lead  a sad  life  here.  Miss 
Gertrude? 

Gei\,  R.  c.  {turning  round  gaily)  What!  amongst  the 
flowers  ? {continues  her  occupation) 

How.  No,  amongst  the  thistles,  with  which  Mrs.  Tif- 
fany surrounds  you  ; the  tempests,  which  her  temper  raises ! 
Ger.  They  never  harm  me.  Flowers  and  herbs  are 

c 2 


FASHION. 


20 


IKct  ir. 


excellent  tutors.  I learn  prudence  from  the  reed,  and  bend 
until  the  storm  has  swept  over  me ! 

How,  Admirable  philosophy ! But  still  this  frigid  at- 
mosphere of  fashion  must  be  uncongenial  to  you?  Accus* 
tomed  to  the  pleasant  companionship  of  your  kind  friends 
in  Geneva,  surely  you  must  regret  this  cold  exchange? 

Ger,  Do  you  think  so?  Can  you  suppose  that  I could 
possibly  prefer  a ramble  in  the  woods  to  a promenade  in 
Broadway  ? A wreath  of  scented  wild  flowers  to  a bouquet 
of  these  sickly  exotics?  The  odour  of  new-mown  hay  to 
the  heated  air  of  this  crowded  conservatory?  Or  can  you 
imagine  that  I could  enjoy  the  quiet  conversation  of  my 
Geneva  friends,  more  than  the  edifying  chit-chat  of  a 
fashionable  drawing  room?  But  I see  you  think  me  totally 
destitute  of  taste? 

How,  You  have  a merry  spirit  to  jest  thus  at  your 
grievances ! 

Ger,  I have  xnj  mania, — as  some  wise  person  declares 
that  all  mankind  have, — and  mine  is  a love  of  independ- 
ence ! In  Geneva,  my  wants  were  supplied  by  two  kind  old 
i maiden  ladies,  upon  w'hoin  I know  not  that  I have  any 
i claim.  I had  abilities,  and  desired  to  use  them.  I came 
\here  at  my  own  request;  for  here  I am  no  longer  depend'- 
^ent!  Voila  tout,  as  Mrs.  Tiffany  would  say. 

How,  Believe  me,  I appreciate  the  contidence  you  re- 
pose in  me ! 

Ger,  Confidence  ! Truly,  Colonel  Howard,  the  confi- 
dence is  entirely  on  your  part,  in  supposing  that  I confuie 
that  which  I have  no  reason  to  conceal ! I think  I informed 
you  that  Mrs.  Tiffany  only  received  visitors  on  her  reception 
day — she  is  therefore  not  prepared  to  see  you.  Zeke — Oh! 
I beg  his  pardon — Adolph,  made  some  mistake  in  admitting 
you. 

How,  Nay,  Gertrude,  it  was  not  Mrs.  Tiffanj^,  nor 
Miss  Tiffany,  whom  I came  to  see  ; it — it  was — 

Ger,  The  conservatory  })erhaps  ? I will  leave  you  to 
^ examine  the  flowers  at  leisure  ! (crosses  i..) 

How,  Gertrude — listen  to  me.  If  I only  dared  to 
i give  utterance  to  what  is  hovering  upon  my  lips!  {aside) 
i Gertrude ! 

Ger,  Colonel  Howard ! 

How,  Gertrude,  I must — must — 


Scene  U j 


FASHION. 


21 


Ger,  Yes,  indeed  you  must,  must  leave  me ! I think 
I hear  somebody  coming — Mrs.  Tiffany  would  not  be  well 
pleased  to  find  you  here — pray,  pray  leave  me — that  door 
will  lead  you  into  the  street. 

. [^Hu?v'ies  him  out  through  dooYy  c.  F. ; tahes  up 
her  watering  poty  and  commences  watering 
JiowerSy  tying  up  brancheSy  ^c. 

What  a strange  being  is  man!  Why  should  he  hesitate 
to  say — nay,  why  should  I prevent  his  saying,  what  I 
would  most  delight  to  hear?  Truly  man  is  strange — but 
woman  is  quite  as  incomprehensible  I 

{walks  about  gathering  flowers'^ 

Enter  Count  Jolimaitre,  l.  u.  e. 

Count,  There  she  is — the  bewitching  little  creature ! 
Mrs.  Tiffany  and  her  daughter  are  out  of  ear-shot.  I caught 
a glimpse  of  their  feathers  floating  down  Broadway,  not  ten 
minutes  ago.  Just  the  opportunity  I have  been  looking 
for!  Now  for  an  engagement  with  this  captivating  little 
piece  of  prudery!  *Pon  honor,  I am  almost  afraid  she 
will  not  resist  a Count  long  enough  to  give  value  to  the 
conquest,  {approaches  her)  Ma  belle  petite y were  you  ga- 
thering roses  for  me  ? 

Ger,  {starts  on  first  perceiving  hhuy  hut  instantly  re- 
gains her  self-possession)  The  roses  here.  Sir,  are  carefully 
guarded  with  thorns — if  you  have  the  right  to  gather,  pluck 
for  yourself  ! 

Count,  Sharp  as  ever,  little  Gertrude ! But  now  that  ^ 
we' are  alone,  throw  off  this  frigidity,  and  be  at  your  ease.  ; 

Ger,  Permit  me  to  be  aloney  Sir,  that  I may  be  at  my 
ease! 

Count,  Very  good,  ma  belley  well  said ! {applauding  her 
with  his  hands)  Never  yield  too  soon,  even  to  a title!  But, 
as  the  old  girl  may  find  her  way  back  before  long,  we  may 
as. well  come  to  particulars  at  once.  I love  you;  but  that 
you  know  already,  {rubbing  his  eye-glass  unconcernedly  with 
his  handkerchief)  Before  long  I shall  make  Mademoiselle 
Seraphina  my  wife,  and,  of  course,  you  shall  remain  in 
the  family  ! ^ 

Ger,  {indignantly)  Sir — C 

^ ’Pon  my  honor  you  shall!  In  France  we  arrange  J 

these  little  matters  without  difficulty  ! 


FASHION 


[Act  II. 


Ger,  But  I am  an  American!  Your  conduct  proves 
that  you  are  not  one  ! S^going^  crosses,  ii.  h. 

Count,  (preventing  her)  Don’t  run  away,  niy  immacu- 
late petite  Americaine!  Demme,  you’ve  quite*  overlooked 
my  condescension — the  difference  of  our  stations — ^you  a 
species  of  upper  servant — an  orphan — no  friends. 


Enter  Trueman  unperceived,  r.  u.  e. 

Ger,  And  therefore  more  entitled  to  the  respect  and 
protection  of  every  true  gentleman  I Had  you  been  one, 
you  would  not  have  insulted  me ! 

Count,  My  charming  little  orator,  patriotism  and  decla- 
mation become  you  particularly ! {approaches  her)  I feel 
quite  tempted  to ’taste — 

Time,  {thrusting  him  aside)  An  American  hickory  switch! 
{strikes  him)  Well,  how  do  you  like  it? 

Count,  Old  matter-of-fact!  {aside)  Sir,  how  dare  you? 

True,  My  stick  has  answered  that  question  1 

Ger,  Oh  ! now  I am  quite  safe ! 
p True,  Safe ! not  a bit  safer  than  before  ! All  women 
Jx  would  be  safe,  if  they  knew  how  virtue  became  them  1 As 
T for  you,  Mr.  Count,  what  have  you  to  say  for  yourself  ? 
Come,  speak  out! 

Count,  Sir, — aw — aw — you  don’t  understand  these 
matters ! 

True,  That’s  a fact ! Not  having  had  your  experience, 
I don’t  believe  I do  understand  them ! 

Count,  A piece  of  pleasantry — a mere  joke — 

True,  A joke  was  it?  I’ll  show  you  a joke  worth  two 
of  that  1 I’ll  teach  you  the  way  we  natives  joke  with  a 
puppy  who  don’t  respect  an  honest  woman!  (seising  him) 

Count,  Oh ! oh ! demme — ^you  old  ruffian ! let  me  go. 
What  do  you  mean? 

True,  Oh!  a piece  of  pleasantry — a mere  joke — very 
pleasant  isn’t  it? 

[Attempts  to  strike  him  again  ; Count  strug* 
gles  with  him.  Enter  Mrs.  Tiffany  has* 
tily,  1. 2 E.,  in  her  bonnet  and  shawl, 

Mrs,  Tif,  What  is  the  matter?  I am  perfectly  abimS 
with  terror.  Mr.  Trueman,  what  has  happened? 

True,  Oh!  we  have  been / 

Mrs,  Tif,  {to  Count,  who  is  re-arranging  his  dress) 


FASHION. 


Scene  II.] 


23 


My  dear  Count,  I did  not  expect  to  find  you  here — how 
kind  of  you ! 

True,  Your  dear  Count,  has  been  showing  his  kindness 
in  a very  foreign  manner.  Too  foreign  I think,  he  found 
it  to  be  relished  by  an  unfashionable  native!  What  do  you 
think  of  a puppy,  who  insults  an  innocent  girl  all  in  the 
way  of  kindness?  This  Count  of  your’s — this  importation?, 
of — 

Count.  My  dear  Madam,  demme,  permit  me  to  explain. 
It  would  be  unbecoming — demme — particularly  unbecoming 
of  you — aw — aw — to  pay  any  attention  to  this  ignorant 
person,  (crosses  to  Trueman.)  Anything  that  he  says 
concerning  a man  of  my  standing — aw — the  truth  is. 
Madam — 

True,  Let  us  have  the  truth  by  all  means, — if  it  is  only 
for  the  novelty’s  sake! 

Count,  (turning  his  hack  to  Trueman)  You  see,  madam, 
hoping  to  obtain  a few  moments’  private  conversation  with 
Miss  Seraphina — with  Miss  Seraphina  I say — and — aw — 
and  knowing  her  passion  for  flowers,  I found  my  way  to 
your  very  tasteful  and  recherche  conservatory,  (looks  about 
him  approvingly)  Very  beautifully  arranged — does  you  great 
credit,  madam!  Here  I encountered  this  young  person. 
She  was  inclined  to  be  talkative ; and  I indulged  her  with 
— with  a — aw — demme — a few  commonplaces!  What  passed 
between  us  was  mere  harmless  badinage — on  my  part.  You, 
madam,  you — so  conversant  with  our  European  manners — 
you  are  aware  that  when  a man  of  fashion — that  is,  when 
a woman — a man  is  bound — amongst  noblemen,  you  know — 

Mrs,  Tif,  I comprehend  you  perfectly — parfittement, 
my  dear  Count. 

Count,  ’Pon  my  honor,  that’s  very  obliging  of  her. 

(aside) 

Mrs  Tif,  I am  shocked  at  the  plebeian  forwardness  of 
this  conceited  girl ! 

True,  (walking  up  to  Count)  Did  you  ever  keep  a 
reckoning  of  the  lies  you  tell  in  an  hour? 

Mrs  Tif.  Mr.  Trueman,  I blush  for  you! 

(crosses  to  Trueman) 

True.  Don’t  do  that — you  have  no  blushes  to  spare ! 

M7\^.  Tif  It  is  a man  of  rank  whom  you  are  addressing. 
Sir! 


21  FASHION.  [Act  II. 

True,  A rank  villain,  Mrs.  Antony  Tiffany ! A rich 
owe  he  would  he,  iiad  he  as  much  gold  as  dross f 

Mrs,  Tif,  Pray  pardon  him.  Count;  he  knows  nothing 
of  how  ton  ! 

Count,  Demme,  he’s  beneath  my  notice.  I tell  you 
what,  old  fellow — (Trufman  raises  his  stick  as  Count 
approaches^  the  latter  starts  back)  the  sight  of  him  discom- 
poses me — aw — I feel  Gjuite  uncomfortable — aw — let  us  join 
your  charming  daughter?  I can’t  do  you  the  honor  to 
shoot  you.  Sir — {to  Trueman)  you  are  beneath  me — a 
nobleman  can’t  fight  a commoner!  Good  bye,  old  True- 
penny! I — aw — I’m  insensible  to  your  insolence! 

[Exeunt  Count  and  Mrs.  Tiffany,  r.  h.  u.  e. 

True,  You  won’t  be  insensible  to  a cow  hide  in  spite  of 
your  nobility!  The  next  time  he  practises  any  of  his  foreign 
fashions  on  you,  Gertrude,  vou  li  see  how  I’ll  wake  up  his 
sensibilities! 

Ger,  I do  not  know  what  I should  have  done  without 
you,  sir. 

True.  Yes,  you  do — you  know  that  you  would  have  done 
w’ell  enough!  Never  tell  a lie,  girl!  not  even  for  the  sake 
of  pleasing  an  old  man!  When  you  open  your  lips  let 
vour  heart  speak.  Never  tell  a lie!  Let  your  face  be  the 
looking-glass  of  your  soul — your  heart  its  clock — while 
your  tongue  rings  the  hours!  But  the  glass  must  be  clear, 
the  clock  true,  and  then  there’s  no  fear  but  the  tongue  w ill 
do  its  duty  in  a woman’s  head! 

Ger.  You  are  very  good.  Sir  ! 

True.  That’s  as  it  may  be  ! — How  my  heart  warms  to- 
wards her ! {aside)  Gertrude,  I hear  that  you  have  no 
mother  ? 

Ger.  Ah!  no.  Sir;  I wish  I had. 

True.  So  do  I ! Heaven  knows,  so  do  I ! {aside,  and 
with  emotion)  And  you  have  no  father,  Gertrude? 

Ger.  No,  Sir — I often  wush  I liad ! 

True,  {hurriedlij)  Don’t  do  that,  girl!  don’t  do  that! 
Wish  you  had  a mother — but  never  wisli  th.at  you  had  a 
father  again  ! Perhaps  the  one  you  iiad  did  not  deserve 
such  a child  ! 

Enter  Prudence,  r.  u.  e.,  down  l.  ii. 

Tru.  Seraphina  is  looking  for  you,  Gertrude. 

Ger.  I will  go  to  her.  {crosses  to  u.  ii.)  Mr.  Trueman, 


Scene  II.] 


FASHION. 


25 


you  will  not  permit  me  to  thank  you,  but  you  cannot  pre- 
vent iny  gratitude  ! [Exit^  r.  u.  e. 

True,  {looking  after  her)  If  falsehood  harbours  there, 
ril  give  up  searching  after  truth  1 

R.,  retires  irp  the  stage  musingly^  and 
commences  examining  the  flowers. 

Prii.  What  a nice  old  man  he  is  to  be  sure  ! I wish 
he  would  say  something  ! {aside) 

[crosses  r.,  walks  after  him,  turning  when  he 
turns — after  a pause. 

Don’t  mind  me,  Mr.  Trueman ! 

True.  Mind  you  ? Oh  ! no,  don’t  be  afraid  {crosses  l.) 
— I was’nt  minding  you.  Nobody  seems  to  mind  you  much  ! 

[continues  walking  and  examining  the  flowers — 
Prudence  follows. 

Pru.  Very  pretty  flowers,  aiut  they  ? Gertrude  takes 
care  of  them. 

True,  Gertrude  ? So  I hear — {advancing  l.  c.)  I sup- 
pose you  can  tell  me  now  who  this  Gertrude — 

Pru.  Who  she’s  in  love  with  ? I knew  you  were  going 
to  say  that!  I’ll  tell  you  all  about  it ! Gertrude,  she’s 
in  love  with — Mr.  Twinkle  ! and  he’s  in  love  with  her. 
And  Seraphina  she’s  in  love  with  Count  Jolly — what-d’ye- 
call-it : but  Count  Jolly  don’t  take  to  her  at  all — but  Colonel 
Howard — he’s  the  man— he’s  desperate  about  her! 

True.  W^hy  you  feminine  newspaper!  Howard  in  love 
with  that  quintessence  of  affectation  ! Howard — the  only, 
frank,  straightforward  fellow  that  I’ve  met  since — I’ll  tell 
him  my  mind  on  the  subject ! And  Gertrude  hunting  for 
happiness  in  a rhyming  dictionary ! The  girl’s  a greater 
fool  than  I took  her  for  ? [crosses  r. 

Pru.  So  she  is — you  see  I know  all  about  them  ! 

True.  I see  you  do ! You’ve  a wonderful  knowledge — 
wonderful — of  other  people  s concerns!  It  may  do  here, 
but  take  my  word  for  it,  in  the  county  of  Catteraugus  you’d 
get  the  name  of  a great  busy-body.  But  perhaps  you  know 
that  too  ? 

Pru.  Oh!  I always  know  what’s  coming.  I feel  it  be- 
forehand all  over  me.  I knew  something  was  going  to 
happen  the  day  you  came  here — and  what’s  more  I can 
always  tell  a married  man  from  a single— I felt  right  off 
that  von  were  a bachelor? 


26 


FASHION. 


[Act  II. 


^ True.  Felt  right  off  I was  a bachelor  did  you?  yx)u  were 
sure  of  it — sure  ?— quite  sure?  {Prudence  assents  de- 
lightedly) Then  you  felt  wrong  !~a  bachelor  and  a wi- 
dower are  not  the  same  thing! 

Pru.  Oh  ! but  it  all  comes  to  the  same  thing — a wi- 
dower’s as  good  as  a bachelor  any  day ! And  besides  I 
knew  that  you  were  a farmer  right  off. 

True.  On  the  spot,  eh  ? I suppose  you  saw  cabbages 
and  green  peas  growing  out  of  my  hat? 

Pru.  No,  I did’nt — but  I knew  all  about  you.  And  I 
knew — (looking  down  and  fidgetting  with  her  apron)  I knew 
you  were  for  getting  manned  soon  I For  last  night  I 
dream’t  I saw  your  funeral  going  along  the  streets,  and 
the  mourners  all  dressed  in  white.  And  a funeral  is  a sure 
sign  of  a wedding  you  know  ! (nudging  him  with  her  elbow) 

True,  {imitating  her  voice).  Well  I can’t  say  that  I 
know  any  such  thing  ! you  know  1 {nudging  her  hack) 

Pru.  Oh  ! it  does,  and  there’s  no  getting  over  it ! For 
my  part,  I like  farmers — and  I know  all  about  setting  hens 
and  turkeys,  and  feeding  chickens,  and  laying  eggs,  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing ! 

True.  May  I be  shot ! if  mistress  new^spaper  is  not  put- 
ting in  an  advertisement  for  herself  1 This  is  your  city 
mode  of  courting  I suppose,  ha,  ha,  ha ! {aside) 

Pru.  Fve  been  west,  a little ; but  I never  was  in  the 
county  of  Catteraugus,  myself. 

True.  Oh  1 you  were  not  ? ’ And  you  have  taken  a par- 
ticular fancy  to  go  there,  eh  ? 

Pru.  Perhaps  I should’ nt  object — 

True.  Oh! — ah! — so  I suppose.  Now  pay  attention 
to  what  I am  going  to  say,  for  it  is  a matter  of  great  im- 
portance to  yourself. 

Pru.  Now  it’s  coming— I know  what  he’s  going  to  say  ! 
{aside) , 

True.  The  next  time  you  want  to  tie  a man  for  life  to 
your  apron-strings,  yjick  out  one  that  don’t  come  from  the 
county  of  Catteraugus — for  green  horns  are  scarce  in  those 
L parts,  and  modest  women  plenty  ! [Exit,  r. 

Pru.  Now  who’d  have  thought  he  w^as  going  to  say 
that ! But  I won’t  give  him  up  yet— I won’t  give  him  up. 

[Exit,  R. 

END  OF  ACT  II. 


I 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


ACT  III 

SCENE  I. 

Mrs.  Tiffany’s  Parlor.  Enter  Mrs.  Tiffany,  r.  1 e., 

followed  by  Mr.  Tiffany. 

Tif.  Your  extravagance  will  ruin  me,  Mrs.  Tiffany  !” 

Mrs.  Tif.  x\nd  your  stinginess  will  ruin  me,  Mr. 
Tiffany  It  is  totally  and  toot  a fate  impossible  to  con- 
“ vince  you  of  the  necessity  of  keeping  up  appearances. 
‘‘  There  is  a certain  display  which  every  woman  of  fashion 
“ is  forced  to  make !” 

Tif.  “ And  pray  who  made  you  a woman  of  fashion?” 

Mrs.  Tif.  “ What  a vulgar  question  I All  women  of 
“ fashion,  Mr.  Tiffany — ” 

Tif.  “ In  this  land  are  self  constituted ^ like  you.  Madam 
— and  fashion  is  the  cloak  for  more  sins  than  charity  ever 
“ covered ! It  was  for  fashions  sake  that  you  insisted  upon 
“ my  purchasing  this  expensive  house — it  was  for  fashion^ s 
“ sake  that  you  ran  me  in  debt  at  every  exorbitant  iiphol- 
“ sterer’s  and  extravagant  furniture  warehouse  in  the  city — 
it  was  for  fashion's  sake  that  you  built  that  ruinous  con- 
servatory — hired  more  servants  than  they  have  persons 
“ to  wait  upon — and  dressed  your  footman  like  a har- 
“lequin!” 

31?'s.  Tif.  Mr.  Tiffany,  you  are  thoroughly  plebeian,;* 
“ and  insufferably  American^  in  your  grovelling  ideas  !j 
‘‘  And,  pray,  what  was  the  occasion  of  these  very  maUap- 
pro-pos  remarks?  Merely  because  I requested  a paltry 
“ fifty  dollars  to  purchase  a new  style  of  head-dress — a bijou 
“ of  an  article  just  introduced  in  France.” 

Tif.  “ Time  was,  Mrs.  Tiffany,  when  you  manufactured 
“ your  own  French  head-dresses — took  off  their  first  gloss 
“ at  the  public  balls,  and  then  sold  them  to  your  shortest- 
sighted  customers.  And  all  you  knew  about  France,  or 
French  either,  w^as  what  you  spelt  out  at  the  bottom  of 
‘‘  your  fashion  plates — but  now  you  have  grown  so  fashion- 
‘‘  able,  forsooth,  that  you  have  forgotten  how  to  speak  your 
mother  tongue !” 

Mrs.  Tif.  “ Mr.  Tiffany,  Mr.  Tiffany  ! Nothing  is  more 


FASHION. 


28 


[Act  hi. 


positively  vulgarian — more  unaristocratic  than  any  allu- 
‘‘  sion  to  £he  past  1” 

Tif,  ‘‘  Why  I thought,  my  dear,  that  aristocrats  lived 
principally  upon  the  past — and  traded  iji  the  market  of 
“ fashion  with  the  bones  of  their  ancestors  for  capital?” 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Tiffany,  such  vulgar  remarks  are  only 
suitable  to  the  counting  house,  in  my  drawing  room  you 
should — 

Tif.  Vary  my  sentiments  with  my  locality,  as  you 
change  your  manners  with  your  dress! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Tiffany,  I desire  that  you  will  purchase 
Count  d’Orsay’s  “ Science  of  Etiquette,”  and  learn  how  to 
conduct  yourself — especially  before  you  appear  at  the  grand 
ball,  which  I shall  give  on  Friday! 

Tif.  Confound  your  balls.  Madam ; they  make  foot- 
balls  of  my  money,  while  you  dance  away  all  that  I am 
worth ! A pretty  time  to  give  a ball  when  you  know  that 
I am  on  the  very  brink  of  bankruptcy ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  So  much  the  greater  reason  that  nobody 
should  suspect  your  circumstances,  or  you  would  lose  your 
credit  at  once.  Just  at  this  crisis  a ball  is  absolutely  ne- 
cessary to  save  your  reputation  ! There  is  Mrs.  Adolphus 
Dashaway — she  gave  the  most  splendid  fete  of  the  season — 
and  I hear  on  very  good  authority  that  her  husband  has 
not  paid  his  baker’s  bill  in  three  months.  Then  there  was 
Mrs.  Honey  wood — 

Tif.  Gave  a ball  the  night  before  her  husband  shot 
himself — perhaps  you  wish  to  drive  me  to  follow  his  ex- 
ample? R.  L.  H. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Good  gracious ! Mr.  Tiffany,  how  you  talk ! 
I beg  you  won’t  mention  anything  of  the  kind.  I consider 
black  "the  most  unbecoming  color.  I’m  sure  I’ve  done  all 
that  I could  to  gratify  you.  There  is  that  vulgar  old  tor- 
ment, Trueman,  who  gives  one  the  lie  fifty  times  a day — 
have’nt  I been  very  civil  to  him  ? 

Tif.  Civil  to  his  wealthy  Mrs.  Tiffany  1 I told  you  that 
he  was  a rich,  old  farmer — the  early  friend  of  my  father — 
my  own  benefactor — and  that  I had  reason  to  think  he 
mieht  assist  me  in  my  present  embarrassments.  Your  ci- 
vility was  bought — and  like  most  of  your  own  purchases 
has  vet  to  be for.  \crosses  to  r.  h. 

Mrs.  Tif.  And  will  be,  no  doubt  I The  condescension 


FASHION. 


29 


Scene  L] 

of  a woman  of  fashion  should  command  any  price.  Mr. 
Trueman  is  insupportably  indecorous — he  has  insulted 
Count  Jolimaitre  in  the  most  outrageous  manner.  If  the 
Count  was  not  so  deeply  interested — so  adirnc  with  Sera- 
phina,  I am  stire  he  would  never  honor  us  by  his  visits 
again ! • 

Tif,  So  much  the  better— he  shall  never  marry  my 
daughter !— I am  resolved  on  that.  Why,  Madam,  lam 
told  there  is  in  Paris  a regular  matrimonial  stock  company, 
who  fit  out  indigent  dandies  for  this  market.  How  do  I 
know  but  this  fellow  is  one  of  its  creatures,  and  that  he  has 
come  liere  to  increase  its  dividends  by  marrying  a fortune  ? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Nonsense,  Mr.  Tiffany.  The  Count,  the 
most  fashionable  young  man  in  all  New  York — the  intimate 
friend  of  all  the  dukes  and  lords  in  Europe — not  marry  my 
daughter?  Not  permit  Seraphina  to  become  a Countess? 
Mr.  Tiffany,  you  are  out  of  your  senses! 

Tif.  That  would  not  be  very  wonderful,  considering  how 
many  years  1 have  been  united  to  you,  my  dear.  Modern 
physicians  pronounce  lunacy  infectious ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Tiffany,  he  is  a man  of  fashion — 

Tif.  Fashion  makes  fools,  but  cannot  feed  them.  By 
the  bye,  I have  a request, — since  you  are  bent  upon  ruining 
me  by  this  ball,  and  there  is  no  help  for  it, — I desire  that 
you  will  send  an  invitation  to  my  confidential  clerk,  Mr. 
Snobson. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Snobson!  Was  there  ever  such  an 
you^nick  demand!  Mr.  Snobson  would  cut  a pretty  figure 
amongst  my  fashionable  friends!  I shall  do  no  such  thing, 
Mr.  Tiffany. 

Tif.  Then,  Madam,  the  ball  shall  not  take  place.  Have 
I not  told  you  that  I am  in  the  power  of  this  man?  That 
there  are  circumstances  which  it  is  happy  for  you  that  you 
do  not  know — which  you  cannot  comprehend, — but  which 
render  it  essential  that  you  should  be  civil  to  Mr.  Snobson? 
Not  you  merely,  but  Seraphina  also?  He  is  a more  appro- 
priate match  for  her  than  your  foreign  favorite. 

Mrs,  Tif.  A match  for  Seraphina,  indeed!  (crosse^  Mr. 
Tiffany,  you  are  determined  to  make  a fow  pas. 

Tif.  Mr.  Snobson  intends  calling  this  morning. 

Icrosscs  to  L.  n. 


30 


FASHION. 


[Act  in. 


Mrs  Tif.  But,  Mr.  Tiffany,  this  is  not  reception  day — 
iny  drawing-rooms  are  in  the  most  terrible  disorder — 

Tif.  Mr.  Snobson  is  not  particular — he  must  be  admitted. 

Enter  Zeke,  l. 

Zeke,  Mr.  Snobson. 

Enter  Snobson,  l.;  exit  Zeke,  l. 

Snoh.  How  dye  do,  Marm  ? {crosses  to  c.)  How  are 
you?  Mr.  Tiffany,  your  most! — 

Mrs.  Tif.  (formally)  Bung  jure..  Comment  vow  porte 
vowy  Monsur  Snobson  ? r 

Snob.  Oh,  to  be  sure — rvery  good  of  you — fine  day. 

Mrs.  Tif . (pointing  to  a chair  with  great  dignity)  Sas- 
soyez  voWy  Monsur  Snobson. 

Snob.  I wonder  what  she’s  driving  at?  I aint  up  to 
th-e  fashionable  lingo  yet!  {aside)  Eh?  what?  Speak  a 
little  louder,  Marm  ? 

Mrs.  Tif.  What  ignorance!  {asid^ 

Tif.  I presume  Mrs.  Tiffany  means  that  you  are  to  take 
a seat. 

Snoh.  Ex-actly — very  obliging  of  her — so  I will,  {sits) 
No  ceremony  amonst  friends,  you  know — and  likely  to  be 
nearer — ^you  understand?  O.  K.y  all  correct.  How  is 
Seraphina? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Miss  Tiffany  is  not  visible  this  morning. 

\retires  up. 

Snob.  Not  visible?  {jumping  upy  crossesy  r.)  I suppose 
that’s  the  English  for  can’t  see  her?  Mr.  Tiffany,  Sir — 
(walking  up  to  him)  what  am  I to  understand  by  this  de- 
fal-ca-tiony  Sir  ? I expected  your  word  to  be  as  good  as 
your  bond — beg  pardon.  Sir — I mean  better — considerably 
better — no  humbug  about  it,  Sir. 

Tif  Have  patience,  Mr.  Snobson.  {rings  bell) 

Enter  Zeke,  l. 

Zeke,  desire  my  daughter  to  come  here. 

Mrs.  Tif  {coming  dowiiy  c.)  Adolph — I say,  Adolph — 
[Zeke  straightens  himself  and  assumes  f ippish 
airs,  as  he  turns  to  Mrs.  Tiffany. 

Tif.  Zeke. 

Zeke.  Don’t  know  any  such  nigga.  Boss. 

Tif.  Do  as  I bid  you  instantly,  or  off  with  your  livci  v 
and  quit  the  house ! 


Scene  L] 


FASHION, 


31 


Zeke,  Wheiigh!  I’se  all  dismission!  [exit,  r. 

Mrs,  Tif,  A*dolpli,  A-dolphj  {calling  after  him) 

Snob,  I brought  the  old  boy  to  his  bearings,  didn’t  I 
though  I Pull  that  string,  and  he  is  sure  to  work  right. 
(aside)  Don’t  make  any  stranger  of  me,  Marm— I’m  quite 
at  home.  If  you’ve  got  any  odd  jobs  about  the  house  to 
do  up,  I sha’nt  miss  you.  I’ll  amuse  myself  with  Sera- 
phina  when  she  comes— we’ll  get  along  very  cosily  by  our- 
selves. 

Mrs,  Tif,  Permit  me  to  inform  you,  Mr.  Snobson,  that 
a French  mother  never  leaves  her  daughter  alone  with  a 
young  man— she  knows  your  sex  too  well  for  that! 

8noh,  Very  e;?z,s-obliging  of  her — but  as  we’re  none 
French — 

Mrs,  Tif,  You  have  yet  to  learn,  Mr.  Snobson,  that  the 
American  ee-light — the  aristocracy — the  how-ton — as  a mat- 
ter of  conscience,  scrupulously  follow  the  foreign  fashions.  - 

Snoh,  Not  when  they  are  foreign  to  their  interests, 
Marm — for  instance — (enter  Seraph  in  A,  r.)  There  you 
are  at  last,  eh.  Miss?  How  dye  do?  Ma  said  you  weren’t 
visible.  Managed  to  get  a peep  at  her,  eh,  Mr.  Tiffany  ? 

Sera,  I heard  you  were  here,  Mr.  Snobson,  and  came 
without  even  arranging  my  toilette;  you  will  excuse  my 
negligence? 

Snob,  Of  everything  but  me.  Miss. 

Sera,  1 shall  never  have  to  ask  your  pardon  for  that, 
Mr.  Snobson. 

3Irs.  Tif,  Seraphina — child — really — 

she  is  approaching  Seraphina,  Mr.  Tif- 
fany plants  himself  in  front  of  his  wife, 

Tif  Walk  this  way,  Madam,  if  you  please.  To  see 
that  she  fancies  the  surly  fellow  takes  a weight  from  my 
heart,  (aside) 

Mrs,  Tif,  Mr.  Tiffany,  it  is  highly  improper  and  not 
at  all  distingue  to  leave  a young  girl — 

Enter  Zeke,  l. 

Zeke,  Mr.  Count  Jolly-made-her  ! 

Mrs,  Tif,  Good  gracious  ! The  Count — Oh,  dear  !— 
Seraphina,  run  and  change  your  dress, — no  there’s  not 
time  ! A-dolph,  admit  him.  \_Exit  Zeke,  j.. 

Mr.  Snobson,  get  out  of  the  way,  will  you?  Mr.  Tiffany, 
what  are  you  doing  at  home  at  this  hour  ? 

7 


32 


FASHION. 


[Act  111. 


Enter  Count  Jolimaitre,  l.,  ushered  by  Zeke. 

Zeke,  Dat’s  de  genuine  ^article  ob  a gemman.  (aside) 

\Exit^  L. 

Mrs,  Tif,  My  dear  Count,  I am  overjoyed  at  the  very 
sight  of  you. 

Count,  Flattered  myself  you’d  be  glad  to  see  me,  Madam 
— knew  it  was  not  yom  jour  de  reception, 

Mrs,  Tif,  But  for  you.  Count,  all  days — 

Count,  I thought  so.  Ah,  Miss  Tiffany,  on  my  honor 
you’re  looking  beautiful.  r. 

Sera,  Count,  flattery  from  you — 

Snob,  What  ? Eh  ? What’s  that  you  say  ? 

Sera,  Nothing  but  what  etiquette  requires. 

[aside  to  him. 

Count,  (regarding  Mr.  Tiffany  through  his  eye  glass) 
Your  worthy  Papa,  I believe  ? Sir,  your  most  obedient. 

[Mr.  Tiffany  bows  coldly ; Count  regards 
Snobson  through  his  glass,  shrugs  his 
shoulders  and  turns  away. 

Snob,  (to  Mrs.  Tiffany)  Introduce  me,  will  you?  I 
never  knew  a Count  in  all  my  life — what  a strange-looking 
animal ! 

Mrs,  Tif,  Mr.  Snobson,  it  is  not  the  fashion  to  intro- 
duce in  France ! 

Snob,  But,  Marm,  we’re  in  America.  (Mrs.  T.  crosses 
to  Count,  R*)  The  woman  thinks  she’s  somewhere  else  than 
where  she  is — she  wants  to  make  an  alibi?  (aside) 

Mrs,  Tif,  I hope  that  we  shall  have  the  pleasure  of 
seeing  you  on  Friday  evening,  Count? 

Count,  Really,  madam,  my  invitations — my  engage- 
ments— so  numerous — I can  hardly  answer  for  myself: 
and  you  Americans  take  offence  so  easily — 

Mrs,  Tif,  But,  Count,  everybody  expects  you  at  our 
ball — ^you  are  the  principal  attraction — 

Sera,  Count,  you  must  come! 

Count,  Since  you  insist — aw — aw— there’s  no  resisting 
you.  Miss  Tiffany. 

Mrs,  Tif,  I am  so  thankful.  How  can  1 repay  yoiir 
condescension  1 (Count  and  Seraphina  converse)  Mr. 
Snobson,  will  you  walk  this  way  ? — I have  such  a cactus  in 
full  bloom — remarkable  flower  1 Mr.  Tiffany,  pray  come 
here — I have  something  particular  to  say. 


Scene  I.]  FASHION*  ' ^ 

Tif.  Then  speak  out,  my  dear — I thought  it  was  highly 
improper  just  now  to  leave  a girl  with  a young  man? 

{aside  to  her, 

Mrs,  Tif.  Oh,  but  the  Count — that  is  different ! 

Tif,  I suppose  you  mean  to  say  there’s  nothing  of  the 

about  him  ? 

Enter  Millinette,  l.,  with  a scarf  in  her  hand. 

Mil,  Adolph  tell  me  he  vas  here,  {aside)  Pardon, 
Madame,  I bring  dis  scarf  for  Mademoiselle. 

Mrs,  Tif,  Very  well,  Millinette ; you  know  best  what 
IS  proper  for  her  to  wear. 

[Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tiffany  and  Snobson  retire 
up ; she  engages  the  attention  of  both 
gentlemen, 

[Millinette  erosseSy'L.,^  ^oi^^arc^^SERAPHiNA, 
gives  the  Count  a threatening  look,  and 
commences  arranging  the  scarf  over  Sera- 
ph in  a’ s shoulders. 

Mil,  Mademoiselle,  peT^frtettez-moi,  Perfide  I {aside  to 
Count)  If  Mademoiselle  vil  stand  tranquille  one  petit 
moment,  Seraphina’s  hack  to  Count,  and  pre- 

tends to  arrange  the  scarf)  I must  speak  vid  you  to-day, 
or  I tell  all — you  find  me  at  de  foot  of  de  stair  ven  you 
go.  Prend  garde!  {aside  to  Count) 

Sera,  What  is  that  you  say,  Millinette? 

Mil,  Dis  scarf  make  you  so  very  beautiful.  Mademoiselle 
— Je  vous  salue,  mes  dames,  {curtsies)  {exit  l. 

Count,  Not  a moment  to  lose!  {aside)  Miss  Tiffany, 
I have  an  unpleasant — a particularly  unpleasant  piece  of 
intelligence — ^you  see,  I have  just  received  a letter  from  my 
friend — the — aw — the  Earl  of  Airshire ; the  truth  is,  the 
EaiTs  daughter — beg  you  won’t  mention  it — has  distin- 
guished me  by  a itn&cx  penchant. 

Sera,  I understand— and  they  wish  you  to  return  and 
marry  the  young  lady ; but  surely  you  will  not  leave  us, 
Count? 

Count,  If  you  bid  me  stay — I shouldn’t  have  the  con- 
science— I couldn’t  afford  to  tear  myself  away.  I’m  sure 
that’s  honest  (aside) 

Sera,  Oh,  Count! 

Count.  Say  but  one  word — say  that  you  shouldn’t  mind 

D 


FASHION. 


34 


[Act  lil. 


being  made  a Countess — and  I’ll  break  with  the  Earl  to- 
morrow. 

Se?^a,  Count,  this  surprise — but  don’t  think  of  leaving 
the  country,  Count — we  could  not  pass  the  time  without 
you!  I — yes —yes.  Count — I do  consent! 

Count,  I thought  she  would!  (aside,  while  he  embraces 
her)  Enchanted,  rapture,  bliss,  ecstacy,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing — words  can’t  express  it,  but  you  understand.  But  it 
must  be  kept  a secret — positively  it  must ! If  the  rumour 
of  our  engagement  were  whispered  abroad-^the  Earl’s  daugh- 
ter— the  delicacy  of  my  situation,  aw — ^you  comprehend  ? 
It  is  even  possible  that  our  nuptials,  my  charming  Miss 
Tiffany,  our  nuptials  must  take  place  in  private  ! 

Sera.  Oh,  that  is  quite  impossible  ! 

Count,  It’s  the  latest  fashion  abroad — the  very  latest! 
Ah,  I knew  that  would  determine  you.  Can  I depend  on 
your  secrecy  ? 

Sera,  Oh,  yes  ! Believe  me. 

Snob,  (coming  forward  in  spite  of  Mrs.  Tiffany’s 
efforts  to  detain  him)  Why  Seraphina,  havnT  you  a word 
to  throw  to  a dog  ? 

Tif,  I shouldn’t  think  she  had  after  wasting  so  many 
upon  a puppy,  (aside) 

Enter  Zeke,  l.,  wearing  a three-cornered  hat, 

Zeke,  Missus,  de  bran  new  carriage  am  below. 

Mrs.  Tif.  Show  it  up, — I mean,  Very  well,  A-dolph. 

[Exit  Zeke,  l. 

Count,  my  daughter  and  I are  about  to  take  an  airing  in 
our  new  voyture, — will  you  honor  us  with  your  company  ? 

Count,  Madam,  I — I have  a most  pressing  engagement. 
A letter  to  write  to  i\\eEarl  of  Air  shire — who  is  at  present 
residing  in  the  Isle  of  Skye,  I must  bid  you  good  morning. 

Mrs.  Tif,  Good  morning.  Count. 

[Exit  Count,  L. 

Snob,  Tm  quite  at  leisure,  (crosses  to  Mrs.  T.)  Marm. 
Books  balanced — ledger  closed — nothing  to  do  all  the  after- 
noon,— I’m  for  you 

Mrs.  Tif.  (without  noticing  him)  Come,  Seraphina, 
come  ! they  are  going  Snobson  follows  them. 

Snob.  But  Marm — I was  saying,  Marm,  I am  quite  at 
leisure — not  a thing  to  do  ; have  I,  Mr.  Tiffany  ? 


Scene  IL]  FASHION.  35 

Mrs,  Tif.  Seraphina,  child — your  red  shawl — remember 
— Mr.  Snobson,  bon  swear  ! 

[Exit,  L.,  leading  Seraph ina. 

^noh.  Swear  ! Mr.  Tiffany,  Sir,  arn  I to  be  fobbed  off 
with  a bon  swear  ? D— n it,  I will  swear  ! 

Tif,  Have  patience,  Mr.  Snobson,  if  you  will  accom- 
pany me  to  the  counting  house — 

Bnoh,  Don’t  count  too  much  on  me,  Sir.  I’ll  make 
up  no  more  accounts  until  these  are  settled ! I’ll  run  down 
and  jump  into  the  carriage  in  spite  of  her  bon  swear, 

[Exit,  L. 

Tif.  You’ll  jump  into  a hornet’s  nest,  if  you  do  ! Mr. 
Snobson,  Mr.  Snobson  ! [Exit  after  him. 

SCENE  II. 

Housekeeper's  Room.  Enter  Millinette,  r. 

Mil.  I have  set  dat  bete,  Adolph,  to  vatch  for  him.  He 
say  he  would  come  back  so  soon  as  Madame’ s voiture  drive 
from  de  door.  If  he  not  come — but  he  vill — he  vill — he 
hien  etourdi,  but  he  have  bon  cceur. 

Enter  Count,  l. 

Count,  Ah ! Millinette,  my  dear,  you  see  what  a good- 
natured  dog  I am  to  fly  at  your  bidding — 

Mil,  Fly  ? Ah ! trompeur  ! Vat  for  you  fly  from  Paris  ? 
Vat  for  you  leave  me — and  I love  you  so  much  ? Ven  you 
sick — you  almost  die — did  I not  stay  by  you — take  care  of 
you — and  you  have  no  else  friend  ? Vat  for  you  leave 
Paris? 

Count,  Never  allude  to  disagreeable  subjects,  mon  en-l 
fant ! I was  forced  by  uncontrollable  circumstances  to  fly 
to  the  land  of  liberty — 

Mil,  Vat  you  do  vid  all  de  money  I give  you?  The 
last  sou  I had — did  I not  give  you  ? 

Count,  I dare  say  you  did,  ma  petite — wish  you’d  been 
better  supplied!  (aside)  Don’t  ask  any  questions  here — 
can’t  explain  now — the  next  time  we  meet — 

Mil,  But,  ah!  ven  shall  ve  meet — ven?  You  not  de- 
ceive me,  not  any  more. 

Count,  Deceive  you  ! I’d  rather  deceive  myself — I wish 
I could ! I’d  persuade  myself  you  were  once  more  ivash- 
ing  linen  in  the  Seine!  (aside) 


36 


FASHION. 


[Act  hi. 


Mil.  I vil  teli  you  ven  ve  shall  meet — On  Friday  night 
Madame  give  one  grand  ball — you  come  sans  doute — den 
ven  de  supper  is  served — de  Americans  tink  of  noting  else 
veil  de  supper  come — den  you  steal  out  of  de  room,  and 
you  find  me  here — and  you  give  me  one  grand  explanation  ! 

Enter  Gertrude,  r.,  itnperceived. 

Count.  Friday  night — while  supper  is  serving — parole 
d'honneur  I will  be  here — I will  explain  every  thing — my 
sudden  departure  from  Paris — my — demme,  my  countship 
—every  thing ! Now  let  me  go — if  any  of  the  family 
should  discover  us — 

Ger.  (who  during  the  last  speech  has  gradually  ad* 
vanced,  l.)  They  might  discover  more  than  you  think  it 
advisable  for  them  to  know ! 

Count.  The  devil ! 

Mil.  Mon  Dieu  ! Mademoiselle  Gertrude ! 

Count,  {recovering  himself)  My  dear  Miss  Gertrude, 
let  me  explain — aw — aw — nothing  is  more  natural  than  the 
situation  in  which  you  find  me — 

Ger.  I am  inclined  to  believe  that.  Sir. 

Count.  Now — ’pon  my  honor,  that’s  not  fair.  Here  is 
Millinette  will  bear  witness  to  what  I am'  about  to  say — 

Ger.  Oh,  I have  not  the  slightest  doubt  of  that.  Sir. 

Count.  You  see,  Millinette  happened  to  be  lady’s-maid 
in  the  family  of — of — the  Duchess  Chateau  D’Espagne — 
and  I chanced  to  be  a particular  friend  of  the  Duchess — 
very  particular  I assure  you ! Of  course  I saw  Millinette, 
and  she,  demme,  she  saw  me  ! Didn’t  you,  Millinette  ? 

Mil.  Oh  ! oui — Mademoiselle  I knew  him  ver  veil. 

Count.  Well,  it  is  a remarkable  fact  that — being  in  cor- 
respondence with  this  very  Duchess — at  this  very  time — 

Ger.  That  is  sufficient.  Sir — I am  already  so  well  ac- 
quainted with  your  extraordinary  talents  for  improvisation, 
that  I will  not  further  tax  your  invention — 

Mil.  Ah ! Mademoiselle  Gertrude  do  not  betray  us — 
have  pity! 

Count,  (assuming  an  air  of  dignity')  Silence,  Millinette! 
My  word  has  been  doubted — the  word  of  a nobleman!  I 
will  inform  my  friend,  Mrs.  Tiffany,  of  this  young  person’s 
audacity,  {poing) 

Ger.  His  own  weapons  alone  can  foil  this  villain  l (aside) 


Scene  II.]  FASHION.  37 

Sir — Sir — Count!  (at  the  last  v^ord  the  Count  turns)  Per- 
haps, Sir,  the  least  said  about  this  matter  the  better! 

Count,  (delightedly)  The  least  said?  We  won’t  say 
anything  at  all.  She’s  coming  round — couldn’t  resist  me ! 
(aside)  Charming  Gertrude — 

Mil,  Quoi  ? Vat  that  you  say  ? 

Count,  My  sweet,  adorable  Millinette,  hold  your  tongue, 
will  you  ? (aside  to  her) 

Mil,  (aloud)  No,  I vill  not  ! If  you  do  look  so  from 
out  your  eyes  at  her  again,  I vill  tell  all ! 

Count,  Oh,  I never  could  manage  two  women  at  once,  ^ 
— jealousy  makes  the  dear  creatures  so  spiteful.  The  only 
valor  is  in  flight  ! (aside)  Miss  Gertrude,  I wish  you 
good  morning.  Millinette,  mon  enfant^  adieu. 

[Exit,  L. 

Mil,  But  I have  one  word  more  to  say.  Stop,  Stop  ! 

[exit  after  him, 

Ger,  (musingly)  Friday  night,  while  supper  is  serving, 
he  is  to  meet  Millinette  here  and  explain — what  ? This 
man  is^mi^mpostor  ! His  insulting  me — his  familiarity 
with  Millinette — his  whole  conduct — prove  it.  If  I tell 
Mrs.  Tiflany  this  she  will  disbelieve  me,  and  one  word  may 
place  this  so-called  Count  on  his  guard.  To  convince  Sera- 
phina  would  be  equally  difficult,  and  her  rashness  and  in- 
fatuation may  render  her  miserable  for  life.  No-  she  shall 
be  saved  ! I must  devise  some  plan  for  opening  their  eyes. 
Truly,  if  I cannot  invent  one,  I shall  be  the  first  woman 
who  was  ever  at  a loss  for  a.stratagem — especially  to  punish 
a Tillain  or  to  shield  a friend.  [Exit,  a. 


END  OF  ACT  III, 


38 


FASHION. 


[Act  IV. 


ACT  IV. 

SCENE  I. 

Sail  Roam  splendidly  illuminated,  A curtain  hung  at  the 
further  end,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tiffany,  Seraphina, 
Gertrude,  Fogg,  Twinkle,  Count,  Snobson, 
Colonel  Howard,  a number  of  guests — some  seated^ 
some  standing.  As  the  curtain  rises^  a cotillion  is 
danced ; Gertrude  dancing  with  Howard,  Sera- 
phina with  Count. 

Count,  {advancing  with  Seraphina  to  the  front  of  the 
stage)  To-morrow  then — to-morrow — I may  salute  you  as 
my  bride — demme,  my  Countess ! 

Enter  Zeke,  l.,  with  refreshments. 

Sera,  Yes,  to  morrow. 

[^as  the  Count  is  about  to  reply,  Snobson 
thrusts  himself  in  front  q/*  Seraphina. 

Snob,  You  said  you’d  dance  with  me.  Miss — now  take 
my  fin,  and  we’ll  walk  about  and  see  what’s  going  on. 

^Count  raises  his  eye-glass,  regards  Snobson, 
(md  leads  Seraphina  away ; Snobson 
follows,  endeavoring  to  attract  her  atten- 
tion, but  encounters,  on  l.h.,  Zeke,  hear- 
ing a waiter  of  refreshments ; stops,  helps 
himself,  and  puts  some  in  his  pockets. 
Here’s  the  treat  I get  my  to-morrow’s  luncheon  out  of  Tiff. 

Enter  Trueman,  r,  yawning  and  rubbing  his  eyes. 

True.  What  a nap  I’ve  had,  to  be  sure!  {looks  at  his 
ivatch)  Eleven  o’clock,  as  I’m  alive!  Just  the  time  when 
eountry  folks  are  comfortably  turned  in,  and  here  your 
grand  turn-out  has  hardly  begun  yet! 

\to  Tiffany,  %vho  approaches. 

Ger,  {advancing  r.)  I was  just  coming  to  look  for  you, 
Mr.  Trueman.  I began  to  fancy  that  you  were  paying  a 
visit  to  dream-land. 

True.  So  I was  child — so  I was — and  I saw  a face — 
— like  your’s— but  brighter! — even  brighter,  (ifo  Tiffany) 
There’s  a smile  for  you,  man  I It  makes  one  feel  that  the 
world  has  something  worth  living  for  in  it  yet ! Do  you  re- 


TASlUoK. 


Scene  I.] 


39 


member  a smile  like  that,  Anthony?  Ah!  I see  you  don’t 
— but  I do — I do!  ('much  moved) 

How,  (advancing  c.)  Good  evening,  Mr.  Trueman. 

[offers  his  hand. 

True,  That’s  right  man  j give  me  your  whole  hand ! 
When  a man  offers  me  the  tips  of  his  fingers,  I know  at 
once  there’s  nothing  in  him  worth  seeking  beyond  his  fin- 
gers ends. 

[Trueman  and  Howard,  Gertrude  and 
Tiffany  converse, 

Mrs,  Tif,  (advancing  c.)  I’m  in  such  a fidget  lest  that 
vulgar  old  fellow  should  disgrace  us  by  some  of  his  ple- 
beian remarks  ! What  it  is  to  give  a ball,  when  one  is 
forced  to  invite  vulgar  people ! 

[Mrs.  Tiffany  advances  towards  Trueman  ; 
Seraphina  stands  conversing  Jlippanthj 
vjith  the  gentlemen  who  surround  her ; 
amongst  them  is  Twinkle,  who  having 
taken  a magazine  from  his  pocket , is  read- 
ing  to  Hei\  much  to  the  undisguised  annoys 
ance  of  Snobson. 

Dear  me,  Mr.  Trueman,  you  are  very  late — quite  in  the 
fashion  I declare  1 

True,  Fashion!  And  pray  what  is  fashion^  madam? 
An  agreement  between  certain  persons  to  live  without  using 
their  souls ! to  substitute  etiquette  for  virtue — ^decorum  for 
purity — manners  for  morals  1 to  affect  a shame  for  the 
works  of  their  Creator  1 and  expend  all  their  rapture  upon 
the  works  of  their  tailors  and  dressmakers  1 

Mrs,  Tif,  You  have  the  most  ow-tray  ideas,  Mr.  True- 
man— quite  rustic,  and  deplorably  American  ! But  pray 
walk  this  way.  [Mrs.  Tiffany  and  Trueman  go  up. 

Count,  (advancing  l.,  to  Gertrude,  who  stands  c., 
Howard  r.,  a short  distance  behind  her)  Miss  Gertrude — 
no  opportunity  of  speaking  to  you  before — in  demand  you 
know ! 

Ger,  I have  no  choice,  I must  be  civil  to  him.  (aside.) 
What  were  you  remarking,  Sir? 

Count.  Miss  Gertrude — charming  Ger^ — aw  — aw — i 
never  found  it  so  difficult  to  speak  to  a woman  before,  (aside) 

Ger.  Yes,  a very  charming  ball — many  beautiful  faces 
here. 


40 


FASHION. 


[Act  ir. 


Coant.  Only  one! — aw — aw — one — the  fact  is — 

[talks  to  her  in  dumb  show,  up  c. 

IJow.  What  could  old  Trueman  have  meant  by  saying 
she  huicied  that  puppy  of  a Count — that  paste  jewel  thrust 
upon  the  little  finger  of  society. 

Count.  Miss  Gertrude — aw — ’pon  my  honor — ^you  don’t 
understand— really— aw — aw — will  you  dance  the  polka 
with  me  ? 

[Gertrude  bows  and  gives  him  her  hand ; he 
leads  her  to  the  set  forming  ; HoWx^rd 
remains  looking  after  them. 

How.  Going  to  dance  with  him  too  ! iV  few  days  ago 
she  would  hardly  bow  to  him  civilly — could  old  Trueman 
have  had  reasons  for  w’hat  he  said?  [retires  up. 

[Dance,  the  polka  ; Seraphina,  after  having 
distributed  her  bouquet,  vinaigrette  and 
fan  amongst  the  gentlemen,  dances  with 
Snobson. 

Pru.  (peeping  in  l.,  as  dance  concludes)  I don’t  like 
dancing  on  Friday;  something  strange  is  always  sure  to 
happen!  I’ll  be  on  the  look  out. 

[remains  peeping  and  concealing  herself  when 
any  of  the  company  approach. 

Ger.  {advancing  hastily  c.)  They  are  preparing  the 
supper — now  if  I can  only  dispose  of  Millinette  while  I 
unmask  this  insolent  pretender!  [Exit  r. 

Pru.  (peeping)  WhaCs  that  she  said?  Its  coming! 

Re-enter  Gertrude,  r.,  bearing  a small  basket  filled  with 
bouquets;  approaches  Mrs.  Tiffany;  they  walk  to  the 
front  of  the  stage. 

Ger.  Excuse  me,  Madam — I believe  this  is  just  the 
hour  at  which  you  ordered  supper? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Well,  what’s  that  to  you  ! So  you’ve  been 
dancing  with  the  Count — how  dare  you  dance  with  a 
nobleman — you  ? 

Ger.  I will  answer  that  question  half  an  hour  hence. 
At  present  I have  something  to  propose,  which  I think 
will  gratify  you  and  please  your  guests.  I have  heard  that 
at  the  most  elegant  balls  in  Paris,  it  is  customary  — 

Mrs.  Tif.  What?  what? 

Ger.  To  station  a servant  at  the  door  with  a basket  of 


Scene  I ] 


FASHION. 


41 


flowers.  A bouquet  is  then  presented  to  every  lady  as  she 
passes  in — I prepared  this  basket  a short  time  ago.  As 
the  company  walk  in  to  supper,  might  not  the  flowers  be 
distributed  to  advan^ge? 

Mrs,  Tif,  How  distingue!  You  are  a good  creature, 
Gertrude — there,  run  and  hand  the  bokettes  to  them  your- 
self ! You  shall  have  the  whole  credit  of  the  thing. 

Ger,  Caught  in  my  own  net!  (aside)  But,  madam,  I 
know  so  little  of  fashions — Millinette,  being  French,  herself 
will  do  it  with  so  much  more  grace.  I am  sure  Millinette — 

Mrs.  Tif.  So  am  I.  She  will  do  it  a thousand  times 
better  than  you — there  go  call  her. 

Ger.  (giving  basket)  But  madam,  pray  order  Millinette 
not  to  leave  her  station  till  supper  is  ended — as  the  com- 
pany pass  out  of  the  supper  room  she  may  find  that  some 
of  fhe  ladies  have  been  overlooked. 

Mrs.  Tif.  That  is  true — very  thoughtful  of  you,  Ger- 
trude. Gertrude,  r. 

What  a recherche  idea! 

Enter  Millinette,  r. 

Here  Millinette,  take  this  basket.  Place  yourself  there, 
(c.')  and  distribute  these  bokettes  as  the  company  pass 
in  to  supper ; but  remember  not  to  stir  from  the  spot  until 
supper  is  over.  It  is  a French  fashion  you  know,  Milli- 
nette. I am  so  delighted  to  be  the  first  to  introduce  it — it 
will  be  all  the  rage  in  the  bow-monde  ! 

Mil.  Mon  Dieu ! dis  vill  ruin  all!  (aside)  Madame, 
Madame,  let  me  tell  you,  Madame,  dat  in  France,  in  Paris, 
it  is  de  custom  to  present  les  bouquets  ven  every  body  first 
come — long  before  de  supper.  Dis  voiild  be  outre!  bar- 
bare  ! not  at  all  la  mode  ! Ven  dey  do  come  in  dat  is  de 
fashion  in  Paris ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Dear  me!  Millinette  what  is  the  difference? 
besides  I’d  have  you  to  know  that  Americans  always  im- 
prove upon  French  fashions!  here,  take  the  basket,  and  let 
me  see  that  you  do  it  in  the  most  you-nick  and  genteel 
manner. 

pout inghj  takes  the  basket  and 
retires  up  stage,  A march.  Curtain 
hung  at  the  further  end  of  the  room  is 
drawn  hack,  and  discloses  a room,  in  the 
centre  of  which  stands  a supper  table. 


42 


FASHION. 


[Act  IV. 


beautifully  decorated  and  illuminated ; the 
company  promenade  two  by  two  into  the  sup- 
per room;  Millinettk bouquets  as 
they  pass  ; Count  leads  Mrs.  Tiffany. 

True,  {eyicountering  Fogg,  who  is  hurrying  alone  to  the 
supper  room)  Mr.  Fogg,  never  mind  the  supper,  man ! 
Ha,  ha,  ha  ! Of  course  you  are  indifferent  to  suppers  ! 

Fogg.  Indifferent ! suppers — oh, ah — no,  Sir — suppers  ? 
no— no— Fm  not  indifferent  to  suppers ! 

[hurries  away  towards  table. 

True.  Ha,  ha,  ha ! Here^s  a new  discovery  Fve  made 
in  the  fashionable  world ! Fashion  don’t  permit  the  critters 
to  have  heads  or  hearts,  but  it  allows  them  stomachs  ! {to 
Tiffany,  who  advances)  So  it’s  not  fashionable  to  feel, 
but  it’s  fashionable  to  feed,  eh,  Anthony?  ha,  ha,  ha! 

[Trueman  and  Tiffany  retire  towards  supper 
room.  ' Enter  Gertrude,  followed  by 
Zeke,  r. 

Ger.  Zeke,  go  to  the  supper  room  instantly, — whisper 
to  Count  Jolimaitre  that  all  is  ready,  and  that  he  must  keep 
his  appointment  without  delay, — then  watch  him,  and  as 
he  passes  out  of  the  room,  place  yourself  in  front  of  Milli- 
nette  in  such  a manner,  that  the  Count  cannot  see  her  nor 
she  him.  Be  sure  that  they  do  not  see  each  other — every 
thing  depends  upon  that.  ifo  r.  h. 

Zeke.  Missey,  consider  dat  business  brought  to  a sci- 
entific conclusion. 

[Exit  into  shipper  room.  Exit.  Gertrude,  r.  h. 

Fru.  {who  has  been  listening^  What  can  she  want  of 
the  Count?  I always  suspected  that  Gertrude,  because 
she  is  so  merry  and  busy  ! Mr.  Trueman  thinks  so  much 
of  her  too — I’ll  tell  him  this!  There’s  something  wrong — 
but  it  all  comes  of  giving  a ball  on  a PViday  ! How  asto- 
nished the  dear  old  man  will  be  when  he  finds  out  how 
much  I know ! 

[advances  timidly  towards  the  siij)per  room. 

SCENE  II. 

Housekeepers  room  ; dark  stage  ; table,  two  chairs.  Enter 
Gertrude,  with  a lighted  candle  in  her  hand. 

Ger.  So  far  the  scheme  prospers!  and  yet  this  impru- 


FASHION. 


Scene  II.^ 


43 


dence — if  I fail?  Fail!  to  lack  courage  in  a difficulty,  or 
ingenuity  in  a dilemma,  are  not  woman’s  failings ! 

Enter  Zeke,  r.,  with  a napkin  over  his  arm,  and  a bottle 
of  champ  ay  ne  in  his  hand. 

Well  Zeke— Adolph  1 

Zeke.  Dat’s  right,  Missey  ; I feels  just  now  as  if  dat 
was  my  legitimate  title;  dis  here’s  de  stuff  to  make  a nigger 
feel  like  a gemman! 

Ger.  But  is  he  coming? 

Zeke.  He’s  coming!  {sound  of  a champagne  cork  heard) 
Do  you  hear  dat,  Missey?  Don’t  it  put  you  all  in  a froth, 
and  make  you  feel  as  light  as  a cork?  Dere’s  nothing  like 
the  union  brand,  to  wake  up  de  harmonies  ob  de  heart. 

\drinks  from  bottle. 

Ger.  Bemember  to  keep  watch  upon  the  outside — do 
not  stir  from  the  spot ; when  I call  you,  come  in  quickly 
with  a light — now,  will  you  be  gone  ! 

Zeke.  I’m  off,  Missey,  like  a champagne  cork  wid  de 
strings  cut.  [_Eccit  r. 

Ger.  I think  I hear  the  Count’s  step,  {crosses  l.,  stage 
dark  ; she  blows  out  candle)  Now  if  I can  but  disguise  my 
voice,  and  make  the  best  of  my  French. 


Enter  Count,  r.  h. 

Count.  Millinette,  where  are  you  ? How  ani  I to  see 
you  in  the  dark  ? 

Ger.  {imitating  Millinette’s  voice  in  a whisper) 
Hush  ! parle  has. 

Count.  Come  here  and  give  me  a kiss. 

Ger.  Non — non — {^retreating  alarmed,  Count  follows) 
make  haste,  I must  know  all. 

Count.  You  did  not  use  to  be  so  deuced  particular. 

Zeke.  {without)  No  admission,  gemman  ! Box  office 
closed,  tickets  stopped ! 

True,  {without)  Out  of  my  way ; do  you  want  me  to 
try  if  your  head  is  as  hard  as  my  stick  ? 

Ger.  What  shall  I do  ? Ruined,  ruined  ! 

[she  stands  with  her  hand  clasped  in  speechless 
despair. 

Count.  Halloa ! they  are  coming  here,  Millinette ! 
Millinette,  why  don’t  you  speak?  Where  can  I hide  my- 
self? {running  about  stage,  feeling  for  a door)  Where  are 


44 


FASHION. 


[Act  !V. 


all  your  closets  ? If  I could  only  get  out — or  get  iii  some- 
where ; may  I be  smothered  in  a clothes’  basket,  if  you 
ever  catch  me  in  such  a scrape  again  ! {kis  hand  accidental h/ 
touches  the  knob  of  a door  opening  into  a closet,  l.  f.)  For- 
tune’s favorite  yet ! I’m  safe  ! 

\_gets  into  closet  and  closes  door.  Enter  Pru- 
dence, Trueman,  Mrs.  Tiffany,  and 
Colonel  Howard,  r.,  followed  by  Zeke, 
bearing  a light ; lights  up, 

Pru.  Here  they  are,  the  Count  and  Gertrude  ! I told 
you  so  ! in  surprise  on  seeing  only  Gertrude. 

True,  And  you  see  what  a lie  you  told ! 

Mrs,  Tif,  Prudence,  how  dare  you  create  this  disturb- 
ance in  my  house?  To  suspect  the  Count  too — a nobleman! 

How,  My  sweet  Gertrude,  this  foolish  old  woman 
would — 

Pru,  Oh!  you  needn’t  talk — I heard  her  make  the 
appointment — I know  he’s  here — or  he’s  been  here.  I 
wonder  if  she  hasn’t  hid  him  away ! 

[runs  peeping  about  the  room. 

True,  (following  her  angrily)  You’re  what  I call  a con- 
founded— troublesome — meddling — old — prying — {as  he 
says  the  last  word,  Prudence  opens  closet  where  the 
Count  is  concealed)  Thunder  and  lightning! 

Pru,  J told  you  so  ! 

[they  all  stand  aghast;  Mrs.  Tiffany,  r., 
with  her  hands  lifted  in  surprise  and  anger ; 
Trueman,  r.  c.,  clutching  his  stick; 
Howard,  l.  c.,  looking  with  an  expres- 
sion of  bewildered  horror  from  the  Count 
to  Gertrude. 

Mrs,  Tif,  {shaking  her  fst  at  Gertrude)  You  de- 
praved little  minx  1 this  is  the  meaning  of  your  dancing 
with  the  Count! 

Count,  {stepping  from  the  closet  and  advancing  l.  u.) 
I don’t  know  what  to  make  of  it!  Millinette  not  here  ! 
Miss  Gertrude — oh!  I see — a disguise — the  girl’s  desperate 
about  me — the  way  with  them  all.  (aside) 

True.  I’m  choking — I can’t  speak — Gertrude — no — no 
— it  is  some  horrid  mistake!  (partly  aside,  changes  his  tone 
suddenly)  The  villain!  I’ll  hunt  the  truth  out  of  him,  it‘ 
there’s  any  in — {crosses  l.,  approaches  Count  threatening! y) 


Scene  II.] 


FASHION. 


45 


do  you  see  this  stick  ? You  made  it’s  first  acquaintance  a 
few  days  ago  ; it  is  time  you  were  better  known  to  each 
other. 

[a5  Trueman  attempts  to  seize  him,  Count  escapes, 
crosses  r.,  and  shields  himself  behind  Mrs. 
Tiffany,  Trueman  following. 

Count,  You  ruffian  I would  you  strike  a woman  ? — 
Madam — my  dear  Madam — keep  off  that  barbarous  old 
man,  and  I will  explain!  Madam,  with — aw — your  natural 
bon  gout — aw — your  fashionable  refinement — aw — your — 
aw — your  knowledge  of  foreign  customs — 

Mrs,  Tif,  Oh  ! Count,  I hope  it  aint  a foreign  custom 
fnr  the  nobility  to  shut  themselves  up  in  the  dark  with 
young  women  ? We  think  such  things  dreadful  in  America, 
Count,  Demme — aw — hear  what  I have  to  say,  Madam 
— ril  satisfy  all  sides — I am  perfectly  innocent  in  this  affair 
— ’pon  my  honor  I am!  That  young  lady  shall  inform  you 
that  I am  so  herself! — can’t  help  it,  sorry  for  her.  Old 
matter-of-fact  won’t  be  convinced  any  other  way, — that 
club  of  his  is  so  particularly  unpleasant ! (aside)  Madam, 
I was  summoned  here  malgre  moi,  and  not  knowing  whom 
I was  to  meet — Miss  Gertrude,  favor  this  company  by  say- 
ing whether  or  not  you  directed — that — aw — aw— that 
colored  individual  to  conduct  me  here  ? 

Ger,  Sir,  you  well  know — 

Count,  A simple  yes  or  no  will  suffice. 

Mrs.  Tif  Answer  the  Count’s  question  instantly,  Miss. 
Ger.  I did — but— 

Count.  You  hear,  Madam — 

True.  I won’t  believe  it — I can’t!  Here  you  nigger, 
stop  rolling  up  your  eyes,  and  let  us  know  whether  she 
told  you  to  bring  that  critter  here  ? 

Zeke.  Fse  refuse  to  gib  ebidence  ; dat’s  de  device  ob  de 
skilfullest  counsels  ob  de  day  ! Can’t  answer,  Boss — iiel  er 
git  a word  out  ob  dis  child— Yah ! yah!  [_E:vit. 

Ger.  Mrs.  Tiffany, — Mr.  Trueman,  if  you  will  but  have 
patience — 

Tnie.  Patience  ! Oh,  Gertrude,  you’ve  taken  from  an 
old  man  something  better  and  dearer  than  his  patience — tlie 
one  bright  hope  of  nineteen  years  of  self-denial — of  nineteen 
years  of — 

[throws  himself  upon  a chair,  his  head  leaning  on  table. 


46 


FASHION. 


[Act  IV. 


Mrs.  Tif.  Get  out  of  my  house,  you  oi^^clacious — you 
ruined — you  young  woman!  You  will  corrupt  all  my 

family.  Good  gracious!  don’t  touch  me', — don’t  come  near 
me.  Never  let  me  see  your  face  after  to-morrow.  Pack. 

[(joes  lip. 

How.  Gertrude,  I have  striven  to  find  some  excuse  for 
you — to  doubt — to  disbelieve — but  this  is  beyond  ail  en- 
durance ! '[Exit,  R.  H. 

Erder  Millinette  in  haste,  r. 

Mil.  I could  not  come  before — {stops  in  surprise  at 
seeing  the  persons  assembled)  Mon  Dieu  I vat  does  dis 
mean  ? 

Count.  Hold  your  tongue,  fool  I You  will  ruin  every- 
thing, I will  explain  to-morrow,  (aside  to  her)  Mrs.  Tif- 
fany— Madam — my  dear  Madam,  let  me  conduct  you  back 
to  the  ball-room,  (she  takes  his  arm)  You  see  I am  quite 
innocent  in  this  matter ; a man  of  my  standing,  you  know, 
— aw,  aw — you  comprehend  the  whole  affair. 

[Exit  Count  leading  Mrs.  T.,  r.  h. 

Mil.  I vill  say  to  him  von  vord,  1 will ! 

[Exit,  R. 

Ger.  Mr.  Trueman,  I beseech  you — I insist  upon  being 
heard, — I claim  it  as  a right  ! 

True.  Right  ? How  dare  you  have  the  face,  girl,  to 
talk  of  rights  ? (comes  down)  You  had  more  rights  than 
you  thought  for,  but  you  have  forfeited  them  all  I All 
right  to  love,  respect,  protection,  and  to  not  a little  else 
that  you  don’t  dream  of.  Go,  go  1 I’ll  start  for  Catter- 
augus  to-morrow, — I’ve  seen  enough  of  what  fashion  can 
do  ! [Exit,  R.  H. 

Pru.  (Wiping  her  eyes)  Dear  old  man,  how  he  takes 
on  ! I’ll  go  and  console  him  I [Exit,  r.  h. 

Ger.  This  is  too  much  ! How  heavy  a penalty  has  my 
imprudence  cost  me  1 — his  esteem,  and  that  of  one  dearer 
— my  home — my — (hurst  of  lively  music  from  ball-room) 
They  are  dancing,  and  I — I should  be  weeping,  if  pride 
had  not  sealed  up  my  tears. 

[She  sinks  into  a chair.  Band  plays  the  polka 
behind  till  Curtain  falls. 


KND  OF  ACT  IV. 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


47 


ACT  V. 

SCENE  I. 

Mrs.  Tiffany’s  Drawing  Room — same  Scene  as  Act  1st. 
Gertrude  seated,  r.  at  a table,  with  her  head  leaning 
on  her  hand ; in  the  other  hand  she  holds  a pen,  A 
sheet  of  paper  and  an  inkstand  before  her, 

Ger,  How  shall  I write  to  them  ? What  shall  I say? 
Prevaricate  I cannot — {rises  and  comes  forward)  and  yet 
if  I write  the  truth — simple  souls  ! how  can  they  compre- 
hend the  motives  for  my  conduct  ? Nay — the  truly  pure 
see  no  imaginary  evil  in  others  ! It  is  only  vice,  that  re- 
flecting its  own  image,  suspects  even  the  innocent.  I have 
no  time  to  lose — I must  prepare  them  for  my  return,  (re- 
sumes  her  seat  and  writes)  What  a true  pleasure  there  is 
in  daring  to  be  frank  ! {after  writing  a few  lines  more 
pauses)  Not  so  frank  either, — there  is  one  name  that  I 
cannot  mention.  Ah ! that  he  should  suspect — should 
despise  me.  {writes) 

Enter  Trueman,  l. 

True,  There  she  is  ! If  this  girl’s  soul  had  only  been 
as  fair  as  her  face, — yet  she  dared  to  speak  the  truth, — I’ll 
not  forget  that ! A woman  who  refuses  to  tell  a lie  has  one 
spark  of  heaven  in  her  still,  {approaches  her)  Gertrude, 
[Gertrude  starts  and  looks  up. 
What  are  you  writing  there  ? Plotting  more  mischief,  eh, 

girl  7 _ 

Ger,  I was  writing  a few  lines  to  some  friends  in  Geneva. 

True,  The  Wilsons,  eh  ? 

Ger,  {surprised,  rising)  Are  you  acquainted  with  them. 
Sir  ? 

True,  I shouldn’t  wonder  if  I was.  I suppose  you  have 
taken  good  care  not  to  mention  the  dark  room — that  foreign 
puppy  in  the  closet — the  pleasant  surprise — and  all  that 
sort  of  thing,  eh  ? 

Ger,  I have  no  reason  for  concealment.  Sir  ! for  I have 
done  nothing  of  which  I am  ashamed ! 

True,  Then  I can’t  say  much  for  your  modesty. 

Ger,  I should  not  wish  you  to  say  more  than  I deserve. 

True,  There’s  a bold  minx  ! {aside) 

8 


48 


FASHION. 


[Act  V, 


Ger,  Since  my  affairs  seem  to  have  excited  your  interest 
— I will  not  say  curiosity,  perhaps  you  even  feel  a desire 
to  inspect  my  correspondence  ? There,  (handing  the  letter') 
I pride  myself  upon  my  good  nature, — you  may  like  to  take 
advantage  of  it  ? 

True.  With  what  an  air  she  carries  it  off ! (aside)  Take 
advantage  of  it  ? So  I will,  (reads)  What’s  this  ? “ French 
chambermaid — Count — impostor — infatuation — Seraphina 
Millinette — disguised  myself — expose  him.”  Thunder  and 
lightning!  I see  it  all!  Come  and  kiss  me,  girl!  (Ger- 
trude evinces  surprise)  No,  no — I forgot — it  won’t  do 
to  come  to  that  yet ! She’s  a rare  girl!  I’m  out  of  my 
senses  with  joy ! I don’t  know  what  to  do  with  myself! 
Tol,  de  rol,  de  rol,  de  ra  ! [capers  and  sings. 

Ger.  What  a remarkable  old  man!  (aside)  Then  you 
do  me  justice,  Mr.  Trueman? 

True.  I say  I don’t ! Justice?  You’re  above  all  depend- 
ence upon  justice ! Hurrah!  I’ve  found  one  true  woman 
at  last?  True  ? (pauses  thoughtfully)  Humph!  I didn’t 
think  of  that  flaw!  Plotting  and  manoeuvering — not  much 
truth  in  that  ? An  honest  girl  should  be  above  stratagems ! 

Ger.  But  my  motive.  Sir,  was  good. 

True.  That’s  not  enough — ^your  actions  must  be  good 
as  well  as  your  motives  I Why  could  you  not  tell  the  silly 
girl  that  the  man  was  an  impostor  ? 

Ger.  I did  inform  her  of  my  suspicions — she  ridiculed 
them  ; the  plan  I chose  was  an  imprudent  one,  but  I could 
not  devise — 

True.  I hate  devising ! Give  me  a woman  with  the 
firmness  to  he  frank!  But  no  matter — I had  no  right  to 
look  for  an  angel  out  of  Paradise ; and  I am  as  happy— as 
happy  as  a Lord ! that  is,  ten  times  happier  than  any  Lord 
ever  was!  Tol,  de  rol,  de  rol  1 Oh!  you — you — I’ll  thrash 
every  fellow  that  says  a word  against  you ! 

Ger.  You  will  have  plenty  of  employment  then,  Sir, 
for  I do  not  know  of  one  just  now  who  would  speak  in  my 
favor ! 

True.  Not  one,  eh?  Why,  where’s  your  dear  Mr. 
Twinkle  ? I know  all  about  it — can’t  say  that  I admire 
your  choice  of  a husband  ! But  there’s  no  accounting  for 
a girl’s  taste. 

Ger.  Mr.  Twinkle!  Indeed  you  are  quite  mistaken! 


Scenic  I.] 


FASHION. 


49 


Tnie.  No — really  ? Then  you’re  not  taken  with  him,  eli? 

Ger,  Not  even  with  his  rhymes. 

True.  Hang  that  old  mother  medclle-much  ! What  a 
fool  she  has  made  of  me.  And  so  you’re  quite  free,  and  I 
may  choose  a husband  for  you  myself  ? Heart-whole,  eh  ? 

Ger.  I — — I trust  there  is  nothing  unsound  about  my 
heart. 

True.  There  it  is  again.  Don’t  prevaricate,  girl ! I 
tell  you  an  evasion  is  a lie  in  contemplation,  and  I hate 
lying ! Out  with  the  truth  ! Is  your  heart  free  or  not  ? 

Ger,  Nay,  Sir,  since  you  demand  an  answer,  permit 
me  to  demand  by  w'hat  right  you  ask  the  question  ? 

Enter  Howard,  l. 

Colonel  Howard  here  1 

Ti^ue.  I’m  out  again  ! What’s  the  Colonel  to  her  ? 

\7^e tires  up. 

How.  (crosses  to  her)  I have  come,  Gertrude,  to  bid 
you  farewell.  To-morrow  I resign  my  commission  and 
leave  this  city,  perhaps  for  ever.  You,  Gertrude,  it  is  you 
who  have  exiled  me  ! After  last  evening — 

True,  (coyning  forward  c.  Howard)  What  the  plague 
have  you  got  to  say  about  last  evening  ? 

How.  Mr.  Trueman  ! 

True.  What  have  you  got  to  say  about  last  evening  ? 
and  what  have  you  to  say  to  that  little  girl  at  all?  Its 
Tiifany’s  precious  daughter  you’re  in  love  with. 

How.  Miss  Tiffany  ? Never!  I never  had  the  slightest 
pretension — 

True.  That  lying  old  woman  ! But  I’m  glad  of  it  I 
Oh!  Ah!  Um!  (looking  significantly  at  Gertrude 
then  at  Howard)  I see  how  it  is.  So  you  don't  choose  to 
marry  Seraphina,  eh  ? Well  now,  whom  do  you  choose 
to  marry  ? [glayicing  at 

How.  I shall  not  marry  at  all  ! 

True.  You  wmn’t?  (looking  at  them  both  again)  Why 
you  don't  mean  to  say  that  you  don’t  like — 

[pomts  with  his  thumb  to  Gertrude. 

Ger.  Mr.  Trueman,  I may  have  been  wrong  to  boast  of 
my  good  nature,  but  do  not  presume  too  far  upon  it. 

How.  You  like  frankness,  Mr.  Trueman,  therefore  1 
will  speak  plainly.  I have  long  cherished  a dream  from 
which  I was  last  night  rudely  awakened. 

E 


FASHION. 


[A.CT  V. 


bO 

True,  And  that’s  what  you  call  speaking  plainly  ? 
Well,  I differ  with  you ! But  I can  guess  what  you  mean. 
Last  night  you  suspected  Gertrude  there  of — (angrily)  of 
what  no  man  shall  ever  suspect  her  again  while  I'm  above 
ground  ! You  did  her  injustice, — it  was  a mistake  ! There, 
now  that  matter’s  settled.  Go,  and  ask  her  to  forgive  you, 
— she’s  woman  enough  to  do  it  ! Go,  go  ! 

How,  Mr.  Trueman,  you  have  forgotten  to  whom  you 
dictate. 

True,  Then  you  won’t  do  it  ? you  won’t  ask  her  pardon? 

How,  Most  undoubtedly  I will  not — not  at  any  man’s 
bidding.  I must  first  know — 

True,  You  won’t  do  it  ? Then  if  I don’t  give  you  a 
lesson  in  politeness — 

How,  It  will  be  because  you  find  me  your  tutor  in  the 
same  science.  I am  not  a man  to  brook  an  insult,  Mr. 
Trueman ! but  we’ll  not  quarrel  in  presence  of  the  lady. 

True,  Won’t  we  ? I don’t  know  that — 

[cr6>55e5  R.  H. 

Ger,  Pray,  Mr.  Trueman — Colonel  Howard,  (crosses 
to  c.)  pray  desist,  Mr.  Trueman,  for  my  sake ! {taking 
hold  of  his  arm  to  hold  him  hack)  Colonel  Howard,  if  you 
will  read  this  letter  it  will  explain  everything. 

\hands  letter  to  Howard,  who  reads. 

True.  He  don’t  deserve  an  explanation  ! Hid’nt  I tell 
him  that  it  was  a mistake  ? Refuse  to  beg  your  pardon  ! 
I’ll  teach  him,  I’ll  teach  him  1 

How.  (after  reading)  Gertrude,  how  have  I wronged 
you  ! 

True.  Oh,  you’ll  beg  her  pardon  now  ? 

[between  them. 

How.  Her’s,  Sir,  and  your’s  ! Gertrude,  I fear — 

True.  You  needn’t, — she’ll  forgive  you.  You  don’t 
know  these  women  as  well  as  I do, — they’re  always  ready 
to  pardon  ; its  their  nature,  and  they  can’t  help  it.  Come 
alono’,  I left  Antony  and  his  wife  in  the  dining  room  ; we’ll 
go  and  find  them.  I’ve  a story  of  rny  own  to  tell  ! As  for 
von,  Colonel,  you  may  follow.  Come  along,  Come  along! 

[Leads  out  Gertrude,  r.,  followed  hy  How^ard. 
Enter  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tiffany,  l.  u.  e.  Mr.  Tiffany  loith 
a bundle  of  bills  in  his  hand. 

Mrs.  Tif.  I beg  yo!i  won't  mention  the  sibjevt  again, 


SCEXfc  I.J 


rA$Htos\ 


5 1 

Mr.  Tiffany.  Nothing  is  more  plebeian  than  a discussion 
upon  economy — nothing  more  ungenteel  than  looking  over 
and  fretting  over  one’s  bills  ! 

Tif,  Then  I suppose,  my  dear,  it  is  quite  as  ungenteel 
to pfiry  one’s  bills? 

Mrs.  Tif,  Certainly!  I hear  the  cc-light  never  con- 
descend to  do  anything  of  the  kind.  The  hono#  of  their 
invaluable  patronage  is  sufficient  for  the  persons  they  em- 
ploy I 

Tif.  Patronage  then  is  a newly  invented  food  upon 
which  the  working  classes  fatten  ? What  convenient  appe- 
tites poor  people  must  have  1 Now  listen  to  what  I am 
going  to  say.  As  soon  as  my  daughter  marries  Mr.  Snob- 
son — 

Enter  Prudence,  r.,  a three-cornered  note  in  her  hand. 

Pru,  Oh,  dear!  oh,  dear!  what  shall  we  do!  Such  a 
misfortune!  Such  a disaster ! Oh,  dear!  oh,  dear! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Prudence,  you  are  the  most  tiresome  creature! 
What  is  the  matter? 

Pru.  ('pacing  up  and  down  the  stage)  Such  a disgrace 
to  the  whole  family!  But  I always  expected  it.  Oh,  dear! 
oh,  dear! 

Mrs.  Tif.  (following  her  up  and  down  the  stage)  What 
are  you  talking  about.  Prudence?  Will  you  tell  me  what 
has  happened? 

Pru.  {still pacing^  following')  Oh!  I 

can’t,  I can’t ! You’ll  feel  so  dreadfully  ! How  could  she 
do  such  a thing ! But  I expected  nothing  else  ! I never 
did,  I never  did  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  (still  following)  Good  gracious  ! what  do  you 
mean.  Prudence  ? Tell  me,  will  you  tell  me  ? I shall 
get  into  such  a passion  ! What  is  the  matter  ? 

Pru.  (still  pacing)  Oh,  Betsy,  Betsy  ! That  your 
daughter  should  have  come  to  that ! Dear  me,  dear  me  ! 

Tif.  Seraphina  ? Did  you  say  Seraphina  ? What  has 
happened  to  her  ? what  has  she  done  ? 

[^following  Prudence  iq)  and  down  the  stago 
on  the  opposite  side  from  Mrs.  Tiffany. 

Mrs  Tif  (still following)  What  has  she  done  ? what 
has  she  done  ? 

Pru.  Oh  ! something  dreadful — dreadful — shocking  ! 

Tif.  (still  following)  Speak  quickly  and  plainly — you 

E 2 


n-  OF  ILL  LIB. 


FASHION* 


52 


[Act  V, 


torture  me  by  this  delay, — Prudence,  be  calm,  and  speak ! 
What  is  it  ? 

Pru,  (stopping)  Zeke  just  told  me — he  carried  her 
travelling  trunk  himself — she  gave  him  a whole  dollar! 
Oh,  my! 

Tif,  Her  trunk  ? where  ? where  ? 

Pru,  B^und  the  corner! 

Mrs,  Tif,  What  did  she  want  with  her  trunk?  You 
are  the  most  vexatious  creature.  Prudence ! There  is  no 
bearing  your  ridiculous  conduct! 

Pru,  Oh,  you  will  have  worse  to  bear — worse!  Seta- 
phina’s  gone! 

Tif,  Gone!  where? 

Pru,  Off! — eloped — eloped  with  the  Count!  Dear  me, 
dear  me!  I always  told  you  she  would! 

Tif,  Then  I am  ruined! 

[stands  with  his  face  buried  in  his  handsk 

Mrs,  Tif,  Oh,  what  a ridiculous  girl  ! And  she  might 
have  had  such  a splendid  wedding  ! What  could  have 
possessed  her  ? 

Tif  The  devil  himself  possessed  her,  for  she  has  ruined 
me  past  all  redemption ! Gone,  Prudence,  did  you  say 
gone  ? Are  you  sure  they  are  gone  ? 

Pru.  Didn’t  I tell  you  so  ! Just  look  at  this  note— one 
might  know  by  the  very  fold  of  it— 

T'if  (snatching  thendte)  Let  me  see  it ! (opens  the  note 
and  reads)  My  dear  Ma^ — When  you  receive  this  I 
shall  be  a countess  ! Isn’t  it  a sweet  title  ? The  Count 
and  I were  forced  to  be  married  privatdy,  for  reasons  which 
I will  explain  in  my  next.  You  must  pacify  Pa,  and  put 
him  in  a good  humour  before  I come  back,  though  now 
I’m  to  be  a countess  I suppose  I shouldn’t  care  !”  Un- 
dutiful  huzzy  ! We  are  going  to  make  a little  excursion 
and  will  be  back  in  a week 

Your  dutiful  daughter — Seraphina.” 

A man’s  curse  is  sure  to  spring  up  at  his  own  hearth, — here 
IS  mine  ! The  sole  curb  upon  that  villain  gone,  I am 
wholly  in  his  power ! Oh ! the  first  downward  step  from 
honor — he  who  takes  it  cannot  pause  in  his  mad  descent 
and  is  sure  to  be  hurried  on  to  ruin  ! 

Mrs,  Tf  Why,  Mr.  Tiffany^  how  you  do  take  on  ! 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


53 


And  I dare  say  to  elope  was  the  most  fashionable  way 
after  all ! 

* Enter  Trueman,  r.,  leading  Gertrude,  and  followed 
by  Howard. 

True,  Where  are  all  the  folks?  Here,  Antony,  you  are 
the  man  I want.  We’ve  been  hunting  for  you  all  over  the 
house.  Why — what’s  the  matter  ? There’s  a face  for  a 
thriving  city  merchant ! Ah  ! Antony,  you  never  wore  such 
a hang-dog  look  as  that  tvhen  you  trotted  about  the  country 
with  your  pack  upon  your  back ! Your  shoulders  are  no 
broader  now~but  they’ve  a heavier  load  to  carry — that’s 
plain ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Mr.  Trueman,  such  allusions  are  highly  im- 
proper ! What  would  my  daughter,  the  Countess^  say  ! 

Ger.  The  Countess  ? Oh  ! Madam  ! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Yes,  the  Countess  ! My  daughter  Seraphina^ 
the  Countess  dee  Jolirnaitre!  What  have  you  to  say  to 
that?  No  wonder  you  are  surprised  after  your  recherche^ 
ahime  conduct ! I have  told  you  already.  Miss  Gertrude, 
that  you  were  not  a proper  person  to  enjoy  the  inestimable 
advantages  of  my  patronage.  You  are  dismissed — do  you 
understand?  Discharged! 

True.  Have  you  done?  Very  well,  it’s  my  turn  now. 
Antony,  perhaps  w^hat  I have  to  say  don’t  concern  you  as 
much  as  some  others — hut  I want  you  to  listen  to  me.  You 
remember,  Antony,  (Jiis  tone  becomes  serious)^  a blue-eyed, 
smiling  girl — 

Tif.  Your  daughter.  Sir?  I remember  her  well. 

True.  None  ever  saw  her  to  forget  her!  Give  me  your 
hand,  man.  There — that  will  do  I Now  let  me  go  on.  I 
never  coveted  wealth — ^yet  twenty  years  ago  I found  myself 
the  richest  farmer  in  Catteraugus.  This  cursed  money 
made  my  girl  an  object  of  speculation.  Every  idle  fellow 
that  wanted  to  feather  his  nest  was  sure  to  come  courting 
Ruth.  There  was  one — my  heart  misgave  me  the  instant 
I laid  eyes  upon  him — for  he  was  a city  chap,  and  not  over 
fond  of  the  truth.  But  Ruth — ah  1 she  was  too  pure  her- 
self to  look  for  guile  1 His  tine  words  and  his  fair  looks — 
the  old  story — she  was  taken  with  him — I said,  no” — 
but  the  girl  liked  her  own  way  better  than  her  old  father’s 
—girls  always  do ! and  one  morning — the  rascal  robbed  me 


64 


FASHION. 


[Act  V. 


— not  of  my  money,  he  would  have  been  welcome  to  that 
— but  of  the  only  treasure  I cherished — my  daughter! 

Tif.  But  you  forgave  her ! 

True.  I did  ! I knew  she  would  never  forgive  herself 
— that  was  punishment  enough ! The  scoundrel  thought 
he  was  marrying  my  gold  with  my  daughter — he  was  mis- 
taken I I took  care  that  they  should  never  want ; but  that 
was  all.  She  loved  him — what  will  not  woman  love?  The, 
villain  broke  her  heart — mine  was  tougher,  or  it  wouldn’t 
have  stood  what  it  did.  A year  after  they  were  married, 
he  forsook  her  ! She  came  back  to  her  old  home — her  old 
father ! It  couldhit  last  long — she  pined — and  pined— and 
— then — she  died!  Don’t  think  me  an  old  fool — though  I am 
one— for  grieving  won’t  bring  her  back,  (bursts  into  tears.) 

Tif.  It  was  a heavy  loss ! 

True.  So  heavy,  that  I should  not  have  cared  how  soon 
I followed  her,  but  for  the  child  she  left  1 As  I pressed 
that  child  in  my  arms,  I swore  that  my  unlucky  wealth 
should  never  curse  it,  as  it  had  cursed  its  mother ! It  was 
all  I had  to  love — but  I sent  it  away — and  the  neighbors 
thought  it  was  dead.  The  girl  was  brought  up  tenderly 
but  humbly  by  my  wife^s  relatives  in  Geneva.  I had  her 
taught  true  independence — she  had  hands — capacities — and 
should  use  them  1 Money  should  never  buy  her  a husband ! 
for  I resolved  not  to  claim  her  until  she  had  made  her 
choice,  and  found  the  man  who  was  willing  to  take  her 
for  herself  alone.  She  turned  out  a rare  girl!  and  it’s 
time  her  old  grandfather  claimed  her.  Here  he  is  to  do  it! 
And  there  stands  Ruth’s  child!  Old  Adam’s  heiress! 
Gertrude,  Gertrude  ! — my  child ! 

[Gertrude  rushes  into  his  arms. 

Pru.  (After  a 'pause)  Do  tell;  I want  to  know!  But 
I knew  it!  I always  said  Gertrude  would  turn  out  some- 
body, after  all! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Dear  me!  Gertrude  an  heiress!  My  dear 
Gertrude,  I always  thought  you  a very  charming  girl — 
quite  YOU-NiCK — an  heiress  ! I must  give  her  a ball!  I’ll 
introduce  her  into  society  myself — of  course  an  heiress 
must  make  a sensation  ! (aside) 

How.  I am  too  bewildered  even  to  wish  her  joy.  Ah! 
there  will  be  plenty  to  do  that  now — but  the  gulf  between 
U3  is  wider  than  ever,  (aside) 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


55 


True.  Step  forward,  young  man,  and  let  ns  know  what 
you  are  muttering  about.  I said  I would  never  claim  her 
until  she  had  found  the  man  who  loved  her  for  herself.  I 
have  claimed  her — yet  I never  break  my  word — I think  1 
have  found  that  man  ! and  here  he  is.  {strikes  Howard 
on  the  shoulder)  Gertrude's  your’s!  There — never  say  a 
word,  man — don’t  bore  me  with  your  thanks — you  can 
cancel  all  obligations  by  making  that  child  happy  ! There 
— take  her  ! — Well,  girl,  and  what  do  you  say  ? 

Ger.  That  I rejoice  too  much  at  having  found  a parent 
for  my  first  act  to  be  one  of  disobedience! 

l^gives  her  hand  to  Howard. 

True.  How  very  dutiful ! and  how  disinterested ! 

[Tiffany  retires  vp — and  paces  the  stage, 
exhibiting  great  agitation., 

Pru.  {to  Trueman)  All  the  single  folks  are  getting 
married  I 

True,  No  they  are  not.  You  and  I are  single  folks, 
and  we’re  not  likely  to  get  married. 

Mrs.  Tif.  My  dear  Mr.  Trueman — my  sweet  Gertrude, 
when  my  daughter,  the  Countess,  returns,  she  will  be  de- 
lighted to  hear  of  this  deenooment!  I assure  you  that  the 
Countess  will  be  quite  charmed! 

Ger.  The  Countess?  Pray  Madam  where  w Seraphina? 

Mrs.  Tif.  The  Countess  dee  Jolirnaitre,  my  dear,  is  at 
this  moment  on  her  way  to— to  Washington!  Where  after 
visiting  all  the  fashionable  curiosities  of  the  day — including 
the  President — she  will  return  to  grace  her  native  city! 

Ger.  I hope  you  are  only  jesting.  Madam  ? Seraphina 
is  not  married  ? 

Mrs.  Tif.  Excuse  me,  my  dear,  my  daughter  had  this 
morning  the  honor  of  being  united  to  the  Count  dee  Joli- 
maitre ! 

Ger.  Madam!  He  is  an  impostor! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Good  gracious!  Gertrude,  how  can  you  talk 
in  that  disrespectful  way  of  a man  of  rank  ? An  heiress, 
my  dear,  should  have  better  manners!  The  Count — 

Enter  Millinette,  r.,  crying. 

Mil.  Oh!  Madame!  I will  tell  every  ting — oh!  datmon- 
stre!  He  break  my  heart ! 


56 


FASHION. 


[Act  V. 


Mrs,  Tif,  Millinette,  what  is  the  matter  ? 

Mil,  Oh  ! he  promise  to  marry  me — I love  him  much 
' — and  now  Zeke  say  he  run  away  vid  Mademoiselle  Sera* 
phina ! 

Mrs,  Tif,  What  insolence!  The  girl  is  mad!  Count 
Jolimaitre  marry  my  femmy  de  chamber  I 

Mil.  Oh ! Madame,  he  is  not  one  Count,  not  at  all  I 
Dat  is  only  de  title  he  go  by  in  dis  country.  De  foreigners 
always  take  de  large  title  ven  dey  do  come  here.  His  name 
a Paris  vas  Gustave  Tread*mill.  But  he  not  one  Frenchman 
at  all,  but  he  do  live  one  long  time  a Paris.  First  he  live 
vid  Monsieur  Vermicelle — dere  he  vas  de  head  cook ! Den 
he  live  vid  Monsieur  Tire-nez,  de  barber  ! After  dat  he 
live  vid  Monsieur  le  Comte  Frippon-fin — and  dere  he  vas  le 
Comte’s  valet ! Dere,  now  I tell  every  ting  I feel  one  great 
deal  better! 

Mrs.  Tif.  Oh ! good  gracious  1 I shall  faint ! Not  a 
Count ! What  will  every  body  say  ? It’s  no  such  thing ! 
I say  he  is  a Count ! One  can  see  the  foreign  jenny  says 
quoi  in  his  face  ! ^on’t  you  think  I can  tell  a Count  when 
I see  one  ? I say  he  is  a Count ! 

Enter  Snobson,  l.,  his  hat  on — his  hands  thrust  in  his 
pocket — evidently  a little  intoxicated. 

Snob.  I won’t  stand  it!  I say  I won’t! 

Tif.  (rushing  up  to  him)  Mr.  Snobson,  for  heaven’s 
sake — {aside) 

Snob.  Keep  off!  I’m  a hard  customer  to  get  the  better 
of!  You’ll  see  if  I don’t  come  out  strong! 

True,  (quietly  knocking  off"  Snobson’s  hat  with  his 
stick)  Where  are  your  manners,  man? 

Snob.  My  business  aint  with  you,  Catteraugus ; you’ve 
waked  up  the  wrong  passenger! — Now  the  way  I’ll  put  it 
into  Tiff  will  be  a caution.  I’ll  make  him  wince  ! That 
extra  mint  julep  has  put  the  true  pluck  in  me.  Now  for 
it!  {aside)  Mr.  Tiffany,  Sir — you  needn’t  think  to  come 
over  me.  Sir — you’ll  have  to  get  up  a little  earlier  in  the 
morning  before  you  do  that^  Sii*!  I’d  like  to  know.  Sir, 
how  you  came  to  assist  your  daughter  in  running  away 
with  that  foreign  loafer  ? It  was  a downright  swindle.  Sir. 
After  the  conversation  I and  you  had  on  that  subject  she 
wasn’t  your  property.  Sir. 


Scene  I.]  FASHION.  57 

True.  What,  Antony,  is  that  the  way  your  city  clerk 
bullies  his  boss? 

Snob.  You’re  drunk,  Catteraugus — don’t  expose  your- 
self— you’re  drunk ! Taken  a little  too  much  toddy,  my  old 
boy!  Be  quiet!  I’ll  look  after  you,  and  they  won’t  find 
it  out.  If  you  want  to  be  busy,  you  may  take  care  of  my 
hat — 1 feel  so  deuced  weak  in  the  chest,  I don’t  think  I 
could  pick  it  up  myself. — Now  to  put  the  screws  to  Tiff. 
{aside)  Mr.  Tiffany,  Sir — you  have  broken  your  word,  as 
no  virtuous  individual — no  honorable  member — of — the — 
com — m u — ni — ty — 

Tif.  Have  some  pity,  Mr.  Snobson,  I beseech  you ! I 
had  nothing  to  do  with  my  daughter’s  elopement!  I will 
agree  to  anything  you  desire — ^your  salary  shall  be  doubled 
— trebled — \aside  to  him. 

Snob,  {aloud)  No  you  don’t.  No  bribery  and  corruption. 

Tif.  I implore  you  to  be  silent.  You  shall  become 
partner  of  the  concern,  if  you  please — only  do  not  speak. 
Al  l are  not  yourself  at  this  moment.  [aside  to  him. 

Snob.  Aint  I though.  I feel  twice  myself.  I feel  like 
two  Snobsons  rolled  into  one,  and  I’m  chock  full  of  the 
spunk  of  a dozen!  Now  Mr.  Tiffany,  Sir — • 

Tif.  I shall  go  distracted  ! Mr.  Snobson,  if  you  have 
one  spark  of  manly  feeling — [aside  to  him. 

True.  Antony,  why  do  you  stand  disputing  with  that 
drunken  jackass  ? Where’s  your  nigger  ? Let  him  kick 
the  critter  out,  and  be  of  use  for  once  in  his  life. 

Snob.  Better  be  quiet,  Catteraugus.  This  aint  your 
hash,  so  keep  your  spoon  out  of  the  dish.  Don’t  expose 
yourself,  old  boy. 

T7'ue.  Turn  him  out,  Anthony! 

Snob.  He  daren’t  do  it!  Aint  I up  to  him?  Aint  he 
in  my  power?  Can’t  I knock  him  into  a cocked  hat  with  a 
word?  And  now  he’s  got  my  steam  up — I will  do  it! 

Tif.  {beseechingly)  Mr.  Snobson — my  friend — 

Snob.  It’s  no  go — steam’s  up — and  I don’t  stand  at 
anything! 

T7  me.  You  won’t  stayid  here  long  unless  you  mend  your 
tanners — you’re  not  the  first  man  I’ve  upset  because  he 
id’nt  know  his  place. 

Snob.  I know  where  Tiff’s  place  is,  and  that’s  in  the 


58 


FASHION. 


[Act  V. 


States'  Prison  ! It’s  bespoke  already.  He  would  have  it! 
He  wouldn’t  take  pattern  of  me,  and  behave  like  a gentle- 
man! He’s  ^ forger.  Sir! 

[Tiffany  throws  himself  into  a chair  in  an 
attitude  of  despair;  the  others  stand  trans^ 
fixed  with  astonishment. 

He’s  been  forging  Dick  Anderson’s  endorsements  of  his 
notes  these  ten  months.  He’s  got  a couple  in  the  bank 
that  will  send  him  to  the  wall  any  how — if  he  can’t  make 
a raise.  I took  them  there  myself!  Now  you  know  what 
he’s  worth.  I said  I’d  expose  him,  and  1 have  done  it! 

M7‘s,  Tif  Get  out  of  the  house  ! You  ugly,  little, 
drunken  brute,  get  out ! It’s  not  true.  Mr.  IVueman, 
f u out;  you  have  got  a stick — put  him  out! 

Enter  Seraphina,  l.,  in  her  bonnet  and  shawl — a parasol 
m her  hand. 

Sera,  I hope  Zeke  hasn’t  delivered  my  note. 

\stops  in  surprise  at  seeing  the  persons  assembled, 

Mrs,  Tif,  Oh,  here  is  the  Countess ! 

[advances  to  embrace  her, 

Tif,  {starting from  his  seat,  and  seizing  Seraphina 
violently  by  the  artyi)  Are — you — married  ? 

Sera,  Goodness,  Pa,  how  you  frighten  rne ! No,  I’m 
not  married,  quite, 

Tif,  Thank  lieaven. 

Mrs,  Tif,  {drawing  Seraphina  aside,  L.)  What’s  the 
matter?  Why  did  you  come  back? 

Sera,  The  clergyman  wasn’t  at  home — I came  back  for 
my  jewels — the  Count  said  nobility  couldn’t  get  on  without 
them. 

Tif,  I may  be  saved  yet ! Seraphina,  my  child,  you 
will  not  see  me  disgraced — ruined ! I have  been  a kind 
father  to  you — at  least  1 have  tried  to  be  one — although 
your  mother’s  extravagance  made  a madman  of  me ! The 
Count  is  an  impostor — you  seemed  to  like  liim — (pointing 
to  Snobson)  Heaven  forgive  me ' (aside)  Marry  him  and 
save  me.  You,  Mr.  Trueman,  you  will  be  my  friend  in 
this  hour  of  extreme  need — you  will  advance  the  sum  which 
I require — 1 pledge  myself  to  return  it.  My  wife — my  child 
— who  will  support  them  were  I — the  thought  makes  me 
frantic ! You  will  aid  me  ? You  had  a child  yourself. 


Scene  I.] 


FASHION. 


59 


True.  But  I did  not  sell  her — it  was  her  own  doings. 
Shame  on  you,  Antony  ! Put  a price  on  your  own  flesh 
and  blood  ! Shame  on  such  foul  traffic ! 

Tif.  Save  me — I conjure  you — for  my  father’s  sake. 

True.  For  your  father  s son’s  sake  I will  not  aid  you 
in  becoming  a greater  villain  than  you  are ! 

Ger.  (c.)  Mr.  Trueman — Father,  I should  say — save 
him — do  not  embitter  our  happiness  by  permitting  this 
calamity  to  fall  upon  another — 

True.  Enough — I did  not  need  your  voice,  child.  I 
am  going  to  settle  this  matter  my  own  way. 

[Goes  up  to  Snobson — who  has  seated  himself 
and  fallen  asleep — tilts  him  out  of  the  chair. 

Snob,  (wakiny  up)  Eh?  Where’s  the  fire ? Oh!  it’s 
you,  Cateraugus. 

True.  If  1 comprehend  aright,  you  have  been  for  some 
time  aware  of  your  principal’s  forgeries? 

[as  he  says  this,  he  beckons  to  Howard,  c., 
who  advances  as  witness. 

Snob.  You’ve  hit  the  nail,  Catterangus  ! Old  chap  saw 
that  I was  up  to  him  six  months  ago;  left  off  throwing  dust 
into  my  eyes — 

True.  Oh,  he  did ! 

S?iob.  Made  no  bones  of  forging  Anderson’s  name  at 
my  elbow. 

True.  Forged  at  your  elbow?  You  saw  him  do  it? 

Snob.  I did. 

True.  Repeatedly? 

Snob.  Re — pea — ted — ly 

True.  Then  you.  Rattlesnake,  if  he  goes  to  the  States’ 
Prison,  you’ll  take  up  your  quarters  there  too.  You  are 
an  accomplice,  an  accessory  ! 

[Trueman  walks  away  and  seats  himself  r. 
Howard  rejoins  Gertrude.  Snobson 
stands  for  some  time  bewildered. 

Snob.  The  deuce,  so  I am  I I never  thought  of  that! 
I must  make  myself  scarce.  I’ll  be  off ! Tif,  Isay  Tif! 
{goiny  up  to  him  and  speaking  confidentially)  that  drunken 
old  rip  has  got  us  in  his  power.  Let’s  give  him  the  slip 
and  be  off.  They  want  men  cf  genius  at  the  West, — we’re 
sure  to  get  on  ! You — you  can  set  up  for  a writing  master, 
and  teach  copying  signatures  ; and  I— I’ll  give  lectures  on 


60 


FASHION. 


[Act  V. 


temperance  ! You  won’t  come,  eh  ? Then  I’m  off  with- 
out you.  Good  bye,  Catteraugus  ! Which  is  the  way  to 
California  ? [steals  off,  l. 

True.  There’s  one  debt  your  city  owes  me.  And  now 
let  us  see  what  other  nuisances  we  can  abate.  Antony, 
I’rn  not  given  to  preaching,  therefore  I shall  not  say  much 
about  what  you  have  done.  Your  face  speaks  for  itself, — 
the  crime  has  brought  its  punishment  along  with  it. 

Tif.  Indeed  it  has.  Sir ! In  one  year  I have  lived  a 
century  of  misery. 

True.  I believe  you,  and  upon  one  condition  I will  assist 
you— 

Tif,  My  friend — my  first,  ever  kind  friend, — only  name 
it ! 

True.  You  must  sell  your  house  and  all  these  gew  gaws, 
and  bundle  your  wife  and  daughter  off  to  the  country. 
There  let  them  learn  economy,  true  independence,  and 
home  virtues,  instead  of  foreign  follies.  As  for  yourself, 
continue  your  business — but  let  moderation,  in  future,  be 
your  counsellor,  and  let  honesty  be  your  confidential  clerk. 

Tif.  Mr.  Trueman,  you  have  made  existence  once  more 
precious  to  me  ! My  wife  and  daughter  shall  quit  the  city 
to-morrow,  and— 

Tru.  It’s  all  coming  right ! Its  all  coming  right  ! 
We’ll  go  to  the  county  of  Catteraugus. 

[walking  up  to  Trueman. 

True.  No  you  won’t, — I make  that  a stipulation,  An- 
tony ; keep  clear  of  Catteraugus.  None  of  your  fashionable 
examples  there ! 

JoLiMAiTRE  appears^  L.  H.  3 E.,  in  the  Conservatory  and 
peeps  into  the  room  unperceived. 

Count.  What  can  detain  Seraphina  ? We  ought  to  be 

off ! 

Mil.  {turns  round,  perceives  him,  runs  and  forces  him 
into  the  room)  Here  he  is!  Ah,  Gustave,  mon  cher  Gus- 
tave I I have  you  now  and  we  never  part  no  more.  Don’t 
frown,  Gustave,  don’t  frown — 

True.  Come  forward,  Mr.  Count ! and  for  the  edifi- 
cation of  fashionable  society  confess  that  you’re  an  impostor. 

Count.  An  impostor?  Why,  you  abominable  old  — 

True.  Oh,  your  feminine  friend  has  told  us  all  about  it. 


FASHION. 


51 


SCfiNE  1.3 

the  cook — the  valet- — barber  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
Come,  confess,  and  something  may  be  done  for  you. 

Count,  Well  then,  I do  confess  I am  no  count  ; but 
really,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I may  recommend  myself  as 
the  most  capital  cook. 

Mrs,  Tif.  Oh,  Seraphina ! 

Sera,  Oh,  Ma ! embrace  and  retire  up. 

True,  Promise  me  to  call  upon  the  whole  circle  of  your 
fashionable  acquaintances  with  your  own  advertisements 
and  in  your  cook’s  attire,  and  I will  set  you  up  in  business 
to-morrow.  Better  turn  stomachs  than  turn  heads ! 

MU,  But  you  will  marry  me  ? 

Count,  Give  us  your  hand,  Millinette ! Sir,  command 
me  for  the  most  delicate  pate — the  daintiest  croquette  a la 
royale — the  most  transcendent  omelette  soufflee  that  ever 
issued  from  a French  pastry-cook’s  oven.  I hope  you  will 
pardon  my  conduct,  but  I heard  that  in  America,  where  / 
you  pay  homage  to  titles  while  you  profess  to  scorn  them 
— where  Fashion  makes  the  basest  coin  current — where  \ 
you  have  no  kings,  no  princes,  no  nobility — x 

True,  Stop  there  ! I object  to  your  use  of  that  word. 
When  justice  is  found  only  among  lawyers — health  among 
physicians — and  patriotism  among  politicians,  then  may 
you  say  that  there  is  no  nobility  where  there  are  no  titles  ! 
But  we  have  kings,  princes,  and  nobles  in  abundance — of 
Nature's  stampy  if  not  of  Fashion's, — we  have  honest  men, 
warm  hearted  and  brave,  and  we  have  women — gentle,  lair, 
and  true,  to  whom  no  title  could  add  nobility. 


EPILOGUE. 

Pru,  I told  you  so  ! And  now  you  hear  and  see. 
I told  you  Fashion  would  the  fashion  be ! . 

True.  Then  both  its  point  and  moral  I distrust. 
Count.  Sir,  is  that  liberal  ? 

\ How.  Or  is  it  just? 

IVue.  The  guilty  have  escaped  ! 

Tif.  Is,  therefore,  sin 

vlade  charming  ? Ah  ! there’s  punishment  within  ! 
ruilt  ever  carries  his  own  scourge  along. 


FASHION. 


Ger,  Virtue  her  own  reward  ! 

Tf'ue,  ' You’re  right,  I’m  wrong. 

Mrs.  Tif.  How  we  have  been  deceived  ! 

Pru.  I told  you  so. 

Sera.  To  lose  at  once  a title  and  a beau  ! 

Count.  A count  no  more,  I’m  no  more  of  account. 
True.  But  to  a nobler  title  you  may  mount. 

And  be  in  time — who  knows  ? — an  honest  man ! 

Count.  Eh,  Millinette? 

Mil.  Oh,  oui, — I know  you  can  ! 

Ger.  (to  audience)  But,  ere  w^e  close  the  ^cene,  a word 
with  you,^ — 

We  charge  you  answer, — Is  this  picture  true  ? 

Some  little  mercy  to  our  efforts  show*. 

Then  let  the  world  your  honest  verdict  know. 

Here  let  it  see  portrayed  its  ruling  passion, 

And  learn  to  prize  at  its  just  value — Fashion. 


DISPOSITION  OF  THE  CHARACTERS^ 


L.  Count.  Millinette.  Howard.  Gertmde.  Trueman. 
Mrs.  Tiffany.  Tiffany.  Seraphina.  Prudence. 


THE  END. 


[Catalogue  continued  from  second  page  of  eorer,] 


701*.  XXV. 
ther  and  Son^ 
tssanieilo, 
cteen  String  Jack, 
uthful  Qaecn, 
eleton  Witness, 
(eep’  r of  Abberilla 
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iddlu. 


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204fAsmodeas. 

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TARTUFKE.  Prose  Comedy  in  5 Acts By  Mmb.  Emile  Dr  Cirardin 

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.Vo  1 CONTAINS 

] Pawlces  ; An  Historical  Drama. 

' dan  -udlli  tlie  Carpet  Bag ; A 

I e Horse  of  the  Peppers ; A 

I J Drama. 

I lerlsm  ; A Petite  Comedy. 

1 Twelve  selected  Pieces. 


No.  2 r-oXT.\INS 

IiOY'e  and  Jealousy  ; A Tragedy 
The  Irish  Tutor;  A Farce. 

Bombast es  Fur loso:  A Burlesque  Opera 
Sylvester  Daggerwood  ; <’omic  Inter- 
lude. 

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FRENCH’S  MINOR  DRAMA 

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VOL.  I. 

1 The  Irish  Atk>mey, 

2 Boots  at  the  Swan, 

3 How  to  Pay  the  Rent, 

4 The  Loan  of  a Lover, 

5 The  Dead  Shot, 

6 His  Last  Legs, 

7 The  Invisible  Prince, 

8 The  Golden  Farmer. 


"With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  JOHN  SEFTON. 


VOL.  II. 

9.  Pride  of  the  Market, 

10.  Used  Up, 

11.  The  Irish  Tutor, 

12.  The  Barrack  Room, 

13.  Luke  the  Laborer, 

14.  Beauty  and  the  Beast, 

15.  St.  Patrick’s  Eve, 

16.  Captain  of  the  Watch. 
With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  Miss  C.  WEM- 
YSS. 


VOL.  III. 

17  The  Secret,  [Peppers 

18  White  Horse  of  thfe 

19  The  Jacobite, 

20  The  Bottle. 

21  Box  and  Cox, 

22  Bamboozling, 

23  Widow’s  Victim, 

24  Robert  Macaire. . 
With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  Mr.  F.  S. 
CHANFRAU. 


VOL.  IV. 

25  Secret  Service,  j 

26  Omnibus,  | 

27.  Irish  Lion,  ] 

28.  Maid  of  Croissv,  ’ 

29.  The  Old  Guard, 

30.  Raising  the  Wind, 

31.  Slasher  and  Cra 


32.  Naval  Eugageme  nts. 


With  a Portrait  and 
moir  of  Miss  ‘ 
TELBIN. 


VOL.  V. 

33.  Cocknies  in  California 

34.  Who  Speaks  First  ? 
36.  Bombastes  Furioso, 

36.  Macbeth  Travestie. 

37.  Irish  Ambassador, 

38.  Delicate  Ground, 

39.  The  Weathercock, 

40.  All  that  Glitters  is 

not  Gold. 


With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  W.  A.  GOOaLL. 


VOL.  VI. 

41.  Grimshaw,  Bagshaw 

and  Bradshaw, 

42.  Rough  Diamond, 

43.  Bloomer  Costume, 

44.  Two  Bonnycastles, 

45.  Born  to  Good  Lnck, 

46.  Kiss  in  the  Dark, 

47.  ’T would  Puzzle  a 

Conjuror, 

48.  Kill  or  Cure. 

With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  F.  M.  KENT. 


VOL.  VII. 

49  Box  and  Cox  Married 

50  St.  Cupid  [and  Settled 

51  Go-to-bed^Tom, 

52  The  Lawyers, 

53  Jaok  Sheppard, 

54  The  T oodles, 

55  The  Mobcap, 

56  Ladies  Beware. 

With  a Portrait  and  Me- 
moir of  SOL.  SMITH. 


sher. 


VOL.  VIII. 

57  Morning  Call, 

58  Popping  the  Que, 

59  Deaf  as  a Post, 

60  New  Footman, 

61  Pleasant  Neighb<  ir, 

62  Paddy  the  Piper  , 

63  Brian  O.’  Linn, 

64  Irish  Assurance. 


VOL.  IX. 

65  Temptation. 

, 66  Paddy  Carey, 

I 67  Two  Gregories, 

! 68  King  Charming, 

I 69  Po-ca-hon-tas, 

70  Clockmaker’s  Hat, 

71  Married  Rake, 

72  Love  and  Murder. 


VOL.  X. 

73  Ireland  and  America, 

74  Pretty  Piece  of  Busi- 

ness,- 

75  Irish  Broom-maker, 

76  To  Paris  and  Back  for 

Five  Pounds, 

77  That  Blessed  Babv 

78  Our  Gal, 

Swiss  Cottage, 
y oung  Widow, 


VOL.  XI. 


81  O’Flannigan  and  the 

82  Irish  Post,  [Faries 

83  My  Neighbor’s  Wife, 

84  Irish  Tiger, 

85  P.P.,  or  Man  & Tiger, 

86  To  Oblige  Bens^n,^  : 

87  State  Secrets,  " I 

88  Irish  Yankee.  ! 


VOL.  XII 


89  A Good  Fellow,' 

9<)  Cherry  and  I’ai^  ' Star 

91  Gale  Breezely,  j 

92  Our  Jemimv"  • | '/ 

93  Miller’s  Maid,  j 

94  Awkward  ArriNval,^' 

95  Crossing  the/ L|  \d«, 

96  Conjugal  Lessof  u. 


VOL.  XIII. 


My  Wife’s  Mirror, 
Life  in  New  York, 
Middy  Ashore, 

Crown  Prince, 

Two  Queens, 
'Thumping  Legacy, 
UnfinishedG  entleman 
House  Dog. 


VOL.  XIV. 


105  The  Demon  Lover, 

106  Matrimony, 

107  In  and  Out  of  Place. 

108  I Dine  with  My  Alo- 

109  Hi-a-wa-tha,  jther, 

110  Andy  Blake, 

111  Love  in  '76,  [culties 

112  Romance  under  Difti- 


VOL.  XV. 

113  One  Coat  for  2 Suits, 

1 14  A Decided  Case, 

115  Daughter,  [Minorit^f. 

116  No;  or,  the  Glorious 

117  Coroner's  Inquisition 

118  Love  in  Humble  Life, 

119  Family  .Tars,  j 

1 20  Personation.  I 


VOL.  XVII. 

129  Mischief-Making, 

130  A Live  Woman  in  the 

131  The  Corsair,  [Mines, 

132  Shvlock, 

133  Spoiled  Child, 

134  Evil  liy.-, 

135  Nothing  to  Nurse, 

136  Wanted  a M'idow. 


VOL.  XVI  . 

121  Children  in  th<  Woo 

122  Winning  a Hu  sbam 
1 33  Day  after  the  1 'air, 

124  Make  Your  W;  11s, 

125  Rendezvous, 

126  My  Wife's  Hu  sham 
r37  Monsieur  Tom  on, 
128  Illustrious  St  angei 


VOL.  XVIII. 

137  Lottery  Ticket. 

138  Fortune’s  Frolic, 

139  Is  he  Jealous  ? 

140  Married  Bachelor, 

141  Husband  at  Sight, 

142  Irishman  in  London, 
14.3  Animal  Magnetism, 
144  Highways  & By-Ways 


VOL.  XIX. 

145  Columbus,  [Beard, 


146  Harlequin  Blue 

147  Ladies  at  Home, 

148  Phenomenon  in 

Smock  Frock, 

149  Comedy  and  Tragedy 

150  Opposite  Neighbors. 

151  Dutchman’s  Ghost. 

152  Persecuted  Dutchman 


VOL.  XX  . 

L53  MuaardBall. 

154  Great  Tragic  tevivi 


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I 

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